so where were we??

hmmm so many crazy things, so little time to document. i believe that everyone i know has enough material for very valid reality shows. it's all about selling the story though.
add some boobs and catfights- marketable.
add some backwoods style with a side of ketchup and spaghetti- marketable.
spotlight an exhausted, woe-is-me momma and it is just not prett- not marketable.
but alas i am still here and i will attempt to put this life down on a website for 12 people to read, mostly because my mom (love you mom) won't stop bugging me about a new post ;)
so here we are.

it has been... awhile.
in fact, i need to go back and look at what i last blogged about- please standby.

ah Christmas- duh.
okay so here we are in 2013. this is going to be the year that i get it together again. since my first blog post is 19 days in already, i guess i need to step it up. i thought the first post would be on the 10th for ten on ten, but i forgot until about 3 PM- i pulled out the camera and took a few shots and then i got distracted trying to prep 15 chapters of anatomy and physiology lecture and instead, gave up and took rum shots instead. i actually didn't, but i wanted to.

and then that week was done. break was done and i went back to school. this week has been reallysupercrazyfast and while i truly love teaching, i really loathe 5 am. and i loathe commuting after waking at 5 am even more- dangerous i tell you. i fell asleep sitting in my car in the parking lot when i got to school on tuesday. heat blasting. radio blaring. a full five minutes before i started myself awake and plunged into the cold winter air to wake my ass up so that i could change people lives with information about how their scent smelling cells (aka olfactory hairs/receptors on olfactory epithelial cells in the olfactory mucosa of the superior nasal cavity) are actually neurons that depolarize and directly transmit action potentials into the central nervous sysem... life changing, i tell you.
and then i raced home to see patients because some marketing genius who has blond hair, female parts and a name that starts with a 'j' thought january would be a good time for a back to health promotion and therefore a completely full schedule in the midst of getting back into school routine as well. but blessings abound my friends, i really am thankful for all the business/busy-ness. i am just very overwhelmed.

since i last checked in, we have had about 1,402 sibling fights, 1 snow storm, 1 amazing hiking day (in january!!), a few park afternoons (in january!!), a game night with friends, good food, and many many good intentions. i have had a handful of nervous breakdowns as is the custom for this time of year, as i don't get paid in january as an adjunct evil purple-haired stepchild of the higher education system and there was a weensy too much purchased christmas cheer. but overall- we are still kicking. and lovin'. i think 2013 is going to be just fine.

but i didn't want sirens showing up at my place of business......

so i give up.

i officially am throwing in the heinous detox towel today. i simply can't do it anymore aaaand i am fairly sure that if i was not a healthcare professional and "know what i am doing" (i would be a terrible patient btw), i would've officially checked into the ER last night.

out of nowhere i started feeling really off- i mean really truly weird- like i was wasted, but not in a fun we're half naked on spring break kind of thing. dizzy and fuzzy around the edges. i was even running into stuff. the first thought- brain tumor.
laugh if you will, but that is where my mind (tumor-free or not) always goes because my family grows brain tumors. it's a fact- i am sure my mom is in a textbook somewhere with a black bar across her eyes.

second thought- aaron poisoned me.
no i'm kidding. i didn't think that, but i did wonder if that sparkling cranberry juice sample that came in the mail was laced with something.

third and final thought- this damn, freaking, piece of shit, stupid detox has got to stop.
my electrolytes had to be out. of. whack.
i did it to myself because i was still doing the "diet" and taking the supplements but i started bailing on the shakes, which are kind of what keeps everything in balance even though you are messing with everything else. they are gross and i couldn't drink anymore so bam. wandering drunkenly around my house after two minions.

i am detoxed enough- the final count: 15 days (if you don't count the gatorade that i drank last night and the handful of salty tortilla chips to "restore myself"- it worked btw- i felt better within an hour) of no grains, no dairy, no sugar. no seeds or nuts or red meat or processed foods. no fun. no chicken or even fish for 11 days. 875 disgusting shakes- i might be exagerrating that total. 900 dollars worth of produce and juice- that is probably true. 9 pounds. 3 days of headaches. no more chemicals in me but no fun.

i have smiled more today than in two weeks, but i am not sure if that's because my body feels better in its new no-toxin state or because i am eating lasagna for dinner (with a salad- geesh don't judge).

Magic Moments- SuperMomma Birthday Edition

So we just got back from a trip (more on THAT brand of madness later) and I have a bunch of moments I could focus on for today, but then I received an email from my mom. The message simply said "for your blog" and this was the attachment:

         Please note the stellar picture composition, the fish gazing hungrily out of the bowl and the biggest piece of shit cake ever to be baked... ever

THIS ladies and gentlemen, is an angel food cake, "baked" in a UNGREASED non-angel food cake bundt pan after overflowing into my mom's clean oven. It was baked by the very talented me, who incidentally is a pretty darn good cooker (as my son calls me). Baking is clearly not my strong suit.

Saturday was my mom's 22nd birthday :) She is the best momma ever! Thoughtful and understanding with a sense of humor to boot, she is one of the strongest, most patient and pleasantly scatterbrained people I know and this junk is all I gave her because the stupid Birthday present store didn't have what I wanted for her- but don't fret mom- it IS coming!!

We were able to be in town for her big day and me being the sweet daughter I am, dropped my kids off for her to babysit while I ran around with some college friends..... I know, right? Terrible but a super fun night begging for a blog post- I digress. So since I bailed on her and left her with my crazies and a bunk bundt, the least I can do is give her a big ole blog shout out.
So here goes ::cracks knuckles::

My mom, Judy, is kinda like a best friend, but it is more than that because no matter what, she doesn't ever pick at my faults or share my feelings with others, even when friends might. (She simply knows better, because I probably picked up most of my crazy from her ;) Anyway, because she is awesome, sometimes she gets the shaft- sometimes I feel that I have to put her and her feelings after others because she understands, because she knows she is my number one. And even though that is life, that is also kinda unacceptable.
There was a time when her body tried to leave me, actually a bunch of times in a row. Maybe she realized that we needed her too much, or that I was way too cool to ditch, or maybe incredible heroic medicine and the good Lord intervened- probably all of the above. The point is, her amazing spirit won out and she is still here with me to share my joys and listen to my rants and wipe my tears. And that is a great great thing because no one quite understands both your pain and your triumphs like your mother.
I pray that eventually I can grow to be the type of mother she is. She has surely led by example but I feel a little behind on this learning curve, especially in the patience department.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!! I love you so much more than that sorry excuse for a cake implies.

PS- I blame your DNA for the baking skills ;)

these snooty little rich girls have nothing on me

 I haven't posted anything since Monday so you probably think I have been lying around eating bon-bons or something... not so much the case. In addition to recovering from the (overdramaticized) canoe swamping heard round the world), I have been crazily finishing off my last week of summer session and am now a happy professor on summer sabbatical.... or maybe just a six week break before fall semester kicks in. I think sabbatical sounds much more impressive, like I am a full-time, life-changing, mind-stretching dead poet society type.
But no, despite the impressive use of hyphenated words, I spend many more hours on facebook than in the classroom. I eat cheap fake Mexican, wash my hair in 8.5 seconds and wipe stinky butts.
I am just a mother.
But I think I was meant to be an heiress. Probably still a mother, but also an heiress.
All day today I have been  sucked into pinterest and the thousand party and style blogs I frequent and all that did was reinforce that I would be really good at spending money for a living. I would throw mean dinner parties and clambakes and shop vintage and designer and then I'd travel. And shop. And go to the park with my kids. And shop. And I think I would still cook for the fam because I am just a little bit  "next food network star" but I would only shop at great local markets and order free-trade chocolates off of the internet.
So parents, today I am just a little pissed that you don't own a hotel chain because I would really like to extend my sabbatical into a permanent position. But I would settle for spending other people's money so if anyone wants to take me up on that I will let you pseudo-adopt me- unless you have real heiresses for children- I don't want to have to share closet space.