hello karma, you bitch

and it has happened. the first bad behavior report :(
after a couple weeks of green apple good behavior, yesterday was apparently, "not a good day"

i am so disappointed.
and maybe slightly wondering if karma has come around after my gloating.

we have been doing fiengold, which translates to spending 16,000 to switch out all of our products that we thought were "clean" to even cleaner approved products. and i guess since we missed some of the prohibited stuff for the last two weeks, then we really weren't even doing fiengold at all... i guess it is promising that he had such a good response with what we have done, but overall, the backtracking behavior is so so frustrating! apparently that is to be expected in this first stage, as they essentially "detox" from what is built up in their systems. while i have never fed them much artificial anything, he has LIVED on salicylate containing fruits and vegetables all summer so there is certainly that to contend with, but wow.

when you tell your teacher you "don't have to listen" to her and cover your ears when she is talking to you and then "sssshhhh" another teacher while you are in trouble and sitting in the hallway....
at least  he didn't punch anyone...

ahhhhh- i don't know if i can do it all. there is just so much to consider from the soaps in the school bathroom (or any public place really), to paint in the craft room and of course the shared treats and classroom parties. when i received the full 320 page shopping list, the enormity of it all hit me. part of me is desperate for this to work- it would explain so very much and solve even more and let him thrive. but honestly, the other part of me hopes it doesn't work so then the full program doesn't have to be our new and forever normal. one thing i am sure of though is anger. anger at the food industry that has allowed all this... shit... to be in our food. many times it is not even labeled and make no mistake, it IS shit. coal tar derivatives and petroleum and waste products of manufacturing just dumped into our food or used to refine all the oils used for cooking them. it is out of control. it makes me sick that you should have to spend money to get "the list" to find clean food for your family.

the night before yesterday's crazy day, he drew all over himself with markers. what kid has not done that? and it should be no big deal, except it was. as he was getting dressed last night, the remnants of all that artificial dye remained zigzagged across his fair little belly and it all came together. that simple act was like an iv of crazy for him. not all children, but for him. not food. just common childhood "things". it is truly a bummer. i HATE to be that crazy mom but i guess i have to be that crazy mom.

he is worth it. and no one is going to "ssshhhh" me about it.

everything i need to know i learned in kindergarten, or in the process of sending my dude to kindergarten

i find myself on the other side of the great kindergarten switch up. i am alive. the tears were not nearly as long or ugly as i feared, but now the worry has set in.

did we do the right thing?

i have a really hard time with just making a decision and going with it. on my deathbed, i will probably wonder if my undoing was because of some random choice i made when i was 22. here's to hoping my deathbed is a long time away or i will overthink it even more.

anyway... did you know that being a parent involves a decision or three thousand? and some of those decisions are hard.

N's bday placed him in this kinder class by ten days. we wavered. we discussed. we were sure that yes, he should go. we were sure that no he was not ready. we asked. we stewed and ultimately we sent the kid to school- obviously.

but.
here i sit 1.5 weeks later and i am still just not sure he is supposed to be there. he's got the brains, but his maturity is still stuck in 4 year old world. he really doesn't pay attention very well. really.
really.
his teacher commented that he has "focusing issues", which sent my hackles up a little because, hello? he just started a brand new routine. he is barely five.
she also said he was a smarty and that he would probably be just fine, but i latched right on the the negative and it sits in my brain, right next to the grocery list. and right next to the thought that some teacher, some day is probably going to tell me he needs adhd meds- he is a little...  passionate. hot tempered. hyper. but he IS five...

so what's a girl to do when all you can do is wait and pray and hope?
well- she can go all crazy trying to fix things and add reading and researching.
she can discover that maybe, just maybe his behavior matches up extraordinarily well with food sensitivities, even better than i previously thought. she can decide that we are going to be a Feingold Family for awhile and just see what happens.

but most importantly, she can give a silent high five to her husband when N reports that some of his classmates got sent to the Principal's office for misbehaving and he was good all week. she should also hope that karma doesn't turn around and bite her in her additive-free ass.