stop and go. and stop. or just go

is it just me, or does everyone come to a 4 way stop at the same exact time as the car to your right, wave them on since it is their right of way and then sit and stare at them, eybrows raised as they wave back.
why does that piss me off so much??
it is every time! if someone waves at you to go... GO... don't wave back all ladies and ford escapes first...
every other time, i expect politeness, but not at a four way- just go people. when i get there clearly BEFORE the next person though, they very nearly always shoot through the intersection like they are being shot out of a cannon... driving is just so hard, you know.
anyway, november is for being thankful, so i will start that tomorrow.
today i am crabby.
and in pain- my stupid rib is all jacked up (a technical term of course) and my chiropractor is unavailable. and even though you doctor folk might relaize this already, it is not effective to try to kinesiotape your own injuries when they are behind you and over your dominant shoulder. you just might injure another 1 or 17 ribs getting into position.
so once again, tomorrow.
i will be thankful tomorrow.

until then.
i will try to distract myself with uber halloween cuteness.

 nintendo has never seen such characters as these sugared up lovelies :)

it could be worse (times a google)

this motherhood thing is some serious shit.
highs and lows and snot and farts and laughter.
and lots of crying.

tonight was one of those nights where i about lost my damn mind for no real reason. i mean, N was in full-on back talk mode and whining for 45 straight minutes about picking up the kiddy shopping cart worth of "groceries" that he upended into a pop up tent in my living room, but that is not unusual.

A was in a continual princess swoon all draped over my head and arms as i answered frantic student emails... an everyday thing. incidentally, why is it so impossible to catch the words that come out of my mouth 8 times in one class period, get underlined on the board and referenced in the syllabus...
seriously college people- wait until 'life' hits. no cliff notes for all this 'ish

general chaos. check. i got it.
mess. school prep. medicine. busy schedules. being stupid over budget for the past two months. single parenting during hubby's 75 different nightly AND weekend committments. allergen free food. allergen free body products. allergen free shopping bills. allergen free life. depression. two three very different jobs with very different sets of insane paperwork. midterms to grade. midterm grades. health scares. liabilities. no family anywhere close. high maintenance kids. high maintenance dog.
check. i got it.

i know it is nothing major. i know some of you have much more of the serious shit than me.
i. get. it.

we are blessed and lucky. i know. i am thankful. i ADORE these babies and this life.
but sometimes i still feel like i am going to explode if i have to do one more little thing like change a diaper or find a sna-aack. and i think that is okay.

sometimes the 'me' inside just wants a little attention.
she wants to know that someone remembers who she is- that even know right now, she is trying insanely hard to keep find her identity as a good mother, before this, she had another identity. 400 other identities even.

i miss her. maybe that sounds bad.
but i do. i miss the things she showed me and taught me and laughed at.
i love, love, love all the things that my kids show me and teach me and make me laugh at, but i still miss my old inner me. from the second i became mom, my 'me' took one hell of a crayon covered and cracker crumb encrusted back seat.

i wonder if she'll ever crawl out and shower off.

maaaaaaaax

i was just sitting here in the chair watching A eat her lunch in a highchair in front of the tv. go ahead and judge me but sometimes when you have a shit-ton on your plate 490 tests to write and presentations to revamp, etc. etc. etc. you just gotta do what works. the show is max and ruby so i feel like that is probably penance enough for me. this show.
where is the momma rabbit?
ruby is 8 years old, tops, but she is always in charge. bathing max, feeding him breakfast, building dioramas. quite the precocious bunny i must say, even if her whiney voice makes me cringe.
anyway.
so i was sitting. then i heard the telltale sound of a pot boiling over on the stove- i was heating water over two measly eggs- so i jumped up to run to the kitchen. in doing so i stepped over a pile of dress-up jewelry and a stool, around a trunk set up as N's "desk", stepped on a dvd, tripped over the space heater and sorta fell/jumped up into the kitchen.
that's really all to the story- not very exciting but very illustrative. my house is trashed, i have patients after N gets home from school, i am behind in grading, prep and paperwork, i haven't eaten and my kid is watching cartoons. my husband has been gone almost every evening for the past 3 weeks and i am feeling overwhelmed as usual. and i just don't feel like doing anything but snuggle the kids and read... am i starting the annual hibernation?
maybe i should call ruby. she'd know what to do.

who let the dogs out?

woo! what a busy couple of weeks- i almost wish that my laptop was hardwired to my brain so that all these blog posts in my head would just leap right on. besides all the day to day crazy, i have spent a few days in chicago celebrating a soon-to-be-bride who is also one of my greatest buddies, almost lost a voice, got it back in time to sing a wedding, attended said wedding festivities, had one very 'interesting' encounter at the park (that i sat down to blog about and never pushed post) and took my kids to a meth house.

wait, what?

no. it maybe was not a meth house and we didn't go in. but we did go on the front porch to return two lost puppies with the address on their tags. the very young yet tatted up woman that answered the door in her backwards trucker hat began to say she was going to "beat the sh* (STOP i have two children on your porch) out of.... "

out of who trashy mctrashersons?
the dogs for wandering out of your yard, whoever left your back gate open?

and then there's me who actually scolded someone at their own house for saying offensive things in front of my children who have no doubt heard worse.
then she didn't even say thank you (the horror, not whore- i know nothing of her sexual activities) so she wins for the worst manners. but she has some damn cute little dogs :/

oh small town life. everyone is all sandwiched together in town whether you want a rusted out beater truck in your backyard or not... i mean, who needs to mow their lawn. or wear something over your wife beater??

anyway- she could be a very good pet owner. the good Lord knows that as hard as we try to be competent, things like this still happen.

so now i'm off to deliver this aquarium to the meth house- colten the fish has a much better chance of survival there.

and then there were two and there was never silence again

it is fair to say that when your two year old climbs into your lap, covers one of your eyes with a book and says "you're a pirate- aaaargggh!" that you will think she is the most brilliant child ever- or at least as brilliant as your own precocious four year old who paved the way.

N was an early talker- with me as a parent, the poor kid was destined for the 'can't stop talking' gene and boy has that been the truth. when other children were pointing and grunting at their sippy cups, he was asking me to "pass my yummy drink, pweeeease" and since then he pretty much has not stopped speaking but for the 10 hour hiatus called nighttime. this trait is both a blessing and a curse as you can imagine and we have had a book's worth of commentary that despite my best efforts, i will sadly never remember.

when A started to talk, we thought maybe she was behind, at least by N's standards and then seemingly overnight, the single words morphed into paragraphs and we are well on our way to having another one who makes up little songs and makes us belly laugh with her baby creativity.

and it is glorious.

coke addicted models and such nonsense

sometimes, or almost every day, i am compelled to do something terrible. something i hope my children won't do. something so vulgar that i am embarrassed by my psychological need to do it. i am talking about coke.
classic.
i drink soda.
BAM- it is earth shattering is it not?!

i teach nutrition.
i have advanced degrees in the business of wellness.
i am a healthcare practitioner.
i know better. soda is probably the worst thing to drink. the major source of calories in the american diet is sugar in soda.

but it could be worse! it could be the other kind of coke is all i'm saying. that would be worse people.

i want it during my commutes- i am full on responding to the external ques we talked about in my nutrition lecture tonight. i almost can't help myself. but today, during my commute- i told my subconscious to back off and i pulled into a sonic, which i love. i really really love sonics. and i ordered an unsweetened iced tea.
TAKE THAT EXTERNAL QUE!

and then i waited.
and waited.
i guess they were brewing my tea...
and the order was delivered to the car in front of me.
and then i waited.
and looked in the rear view mirror and noticed that my hair was blowing wildly in the air conditioner stream making me look all victoria's secret beach shoot, except i was fully dressed in the car. and not heidi klum, of course, even after 14 kids. how does she do it?

and i waited some more
seriously sonic? you are making me second guess my choice. i am not excited about my tea like i would be for a frosty coca cola.
i looked back to the mirror and laughed.
and then i took out my camera phone and took  some pics of myself to send to my husband who i thought would find my pictures glamour shot funny.

more waiting....
and hello sonic person!

i confirmed my order, paid the server and was on my way.
i was still thinking about how long it took to get a simple drink and wondered how long it would have taken if i'd ordered something really complicated like tator tots or a slushie or something, when i reached for my cup and took my first sip.

and it was soda.

my subconscious backed the heck off alright and jumped right into the sonic worker who just knew that i wasn't in the mood for tea. my transplanted subconscious is that good. they delivered to me a 44 oz dr. pepper (i wish it had been coke for many reasons including the the sake of this long and unimportant story and because it's delicious) instead of the 32 oz tea.
that is the biggest external que i have ever seen...

but it's fine.
all models have their addictions after all.

thumb twiddling and other break-time activities

i'm still here.
i know i have been missing since, oh well, maybe last summer for various reasons. lately i have no real excuse so here i am STARING at my computer screen, willing myself to document something marginally interesting.
except i've got nothing.

it's one of those days when nothing extremely pressing needs to happen. sure i could be making insurance phone calls or working on billing people who think i agreed to work for free, but i don't really want to ruin the upcoming weekend.
the house is (relatively) clean, the kids are napping (for now) and i am on break from school- the seemingly endless emails about grades received have even stopped.

so what's a girl to do?
i could be constructive- pinterest has gorgeousness abound to try. nah. too much work to pick something, and drag the crazies into a public that has recently sparked tantrums and grumpiness just for supplies. i am exhausted just thinking about it.
i could relax outside for 30 minutes and get a little sun. nah. a bathing suit on this frame will make me feel ill today. in other news, i think i need a detox again.
i could cook something. my stomach is actually growling and i have a stocked kitchen. nah. too much work.

soooo here i am rambling about how i've got nothing to ramble about. this may be an all-time blogging low. hey thanks for reading!
no really, i'm good with this. it is foreign, but welcome.

my husband will even be home SOON and actually gets a week off before summer school. and even if we can't play all fifty shades of grey with the kids orbiting all day long, i am sure we'll get some fun outings accomplished. i mean tomorrow is chicken slaughter day at the farm where we get our poultry. woo hoo- that has excitement written all over it.
so anyway, enough for now. try to contain yourself until the next installment of this crazy blog.
if you have any ideas to make me shake soome of my lame-ness, feel free to send them my way!

it's true, there is no real point to this story

i am in a blog rut again. if you count not blogging at all as a rut instead of a failure, which i do because i am trying to be positive.
this week my positivity has gone about as far as being positive that i couldn't be positive.

i think mentally i kept telling myself that it would be okay to be all broody and crabby until tomorrow because that marks the start of my spring break (woooooo hoooooo).
a thirty-something woman's version of woo hoo is remarkably different by the way than the woo hoo's of spring breaks past when i was tan in march and willing to wear a two piece swimsuit but the spirit is still in there somewhere, buried behind my random want for a cupcake and a nap.

but i digress.
i keep having all these things i want to talk about and then i just don't. mostly because my children have been hell bent on the destruction of my sanity and my house. you should see this place... it is like a tsunami of fun wiped out my decor. but that is okay i guess, because if N is not unleashing the power of our too many toyboxes, he is all in my face asking me if i love him 723 times per day (without exagerration). i can only assume that i am the world's worst mom if my child is that concerned with me LOVING him. of course i love you buddy!!!!!!!!! times a zillion, times a zillion and one times per day. that is a lot of loving.

and it's only gonna get better because i am on a mission to be super happy, fun, mom right after i finish being can't-stop-grading-papers mom in about 20 minutes. because that's when my student's exams are due in my email inbox and my spring break officially begins.

woooooooooooo hooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! bring me my bikini! and a large large towel to cover up with ;)

paging my rich and long lost relative!

i guess i can sorta maybe admit that i might on occasion when absolutely unavoidable spend too much money... can you sense the reluctant admittance. that is the first step to all self-help programs, right? simply admitting a problem- i am nearly there.
gifts- overdone.
stuff- overdone.
groceries- i can coupon my tail off but still... overdone.  
even if i try and try to NOT buy, i am a sucker for buying, especially clearance/sale items and even if i am on a spending freeze, my smart little psyche tends to talk itself into needing instead of wanting.

case in point: exhibit A- cute little boho flats from Target that i absolutely had to buy because Thursday brought the great shoe debacle of February 12'

but they were darling- cheap- and look startlingly like the new Toms ballet flats. they didn't give a spare pair to a child though so naturally that means i HAVE to purchase an actual pair of Toms ballet flats. crazy how it all works, you know? my mind i mean. side note: have you seen the new "Bobs" shoes? same idea as the not-for-profit Toms, only they are totally for profit for Sketchers... i just can't get on board, maybe if they had picked a more obvious copy-cat name like Zoms or something. anyway, i had made a very poor shoe choice on that faithful thursday morning. actually it was a poor thrifted and adorable boot choice (now i now why they were in that thrift store to begin with) and when my bloodied and cramping feet limped into Target for a few items they whimpered to my eager ears that they couldn't stand and lecture for another three hours that evening without forcing me to dissolve into tears in front of a bunch of college kids who already think i am a loon. so the new shoes were purchased and have joined the ranks with the other happy shoes in my life.

exhibit B- me (yes i took this picture right now sitting at the computer). sad, sad me without a thing to wear tonight.

if it was not our once monthly "broke weekend" i would be running right out to look for something new. we have to go to a banquet with one of my husband's athletes tonight but i would like to be a little festive since it is almost valentines day and all and this is probably the closest we will get to a romantic rendezvous. but i'm not running- i'm still sitting because i am almost sorta peaking my head out of the spend too much money closet. but i might stay in here because i like the shoes and there is plenty of space for more. i'll let you know, right after i stop perusing the internet for sales.

eat 3 pounds of this and call me in the morning

today is a real day off!! well, not totally because i do have a patient later but it's a friend and i might not even change out of my yoga pants. we are that classy around here. two more days of finals but this is a GRAND hiatus with all my grades done and submitted thus far.

and i am more or less over my weight gain freak out, which is evidenced by the glorious caramel corn that is rolling out of my kitchen this afternoon. but it doesn't matter even if i still wanted to be skinny because popcorn is healthy :) ignore the TWO STICKS of butter in each batch. it is spread over an entire batch anyway and it's not like i have ever sat and ate an entire batch in one day.
only 3/4 of a batch...
i realize that is about as solid of an argument as making cookies with whole wheat flour and pretending they aren't still cookies. i own that approach though so my brain acknowledges it as truth.

i am planning on posting the recipe although it is kinda a family trade secret so i feel strangely strange about it like i am the dog in the busch's baked beans commercial. i'll have to keep the run cake recipe a secret though- anything that is a dessert and a drink all in one could take down countries or something and we all know that i am already an enemy of the state mansion and its clock occupants.

this is a rambler, isn't it? anyway- i am just happy to have a little breathing room today and the thought that i can Christmas my tail off in two more days makes me almost giddy... or it could be the caramel corn sugar. either or, i'll take it.