so where were we??

hmmm so many crazy things, so little time to document. i believe that everyone i know has enough material for very valid reality shows. it's all about selling the story though.
add some boobs and catfights- marketable.
add some backwoods style with a side of ketchup and spaghetti- marketable.
spotlight an exhausted, woe-is-me momma and it is just not prett- not marketable.
but alas i am still here and i will attempt to put this life down on a website for 12 people to read, mostly because my mom (love you mom) won't stop bugging me about a new post ;)
so here we are.

it has been... awhile.
in fact, i need to go back and look at what i last blogged about- please standby.

ah Christmas- duh.
okay so here we are in 2013. this is going to be the year that i get it together again. since my first blog post is 19 days in already, i guess i need to step it up. i thought the first post would be on the 10th for ten on ten, but i forgot until about 3 PM- i pulled out the camera and took a few shots and then i got distracted trying to prep 15 chapters of anatomy and physiology lecture and instead, gave up and took rum shots instead. i actually didn't, but i wanted to.

and then that week was done. break was done and i went back to school. this week has been reallysupercrazyfast and while i truly love teaching, i really loathe 5 am. and i loathe commuting after waking at 5 am even more- dangerous i tell you. i fell asleep sitting in my car in the parking lot when i got to school on tuesday. heat blasting. radio blaring. a full five minutes before i started myself awake and plunged into the cold winter air to wake my ass up so that i could change people lives with information about how their scent smelling cells (aka olfactory hairs/receptors on olfactory epithelial cells in the olfactory mucosa of the superior nasal cavity) are actually neurons that depolarize and directly transmit action potentials into the central nervous sysem... life changing, i tell you.
and then i raced home to see patients because some marketing genius who has blond hair, female parts and a name that starts with a 'j' thought january would be a good time for a back to health promotion and therefore a completely full schedule in the midst of getting back into school routine as well. but blessings abound my friends, i really am thankful for all the business/busy-ness. i am just very overwhelmed.

since i last checked in, we have had about 1,402 sibling fights, 1 snow storm, 1 amazing hiking day (in january!!), a few park afternoons (in january!!), a game night with friends, good food, and many many good intentions. i have had a handful of nervous breakdowns as is the custom for this time of year, as i don't get paid in january as an adjunct evil purple-haired stepchild of the higher education system and there was a weensy too much purchased christmas cheer. but overall- we are still kicking. and lovin'. i think 2013 is going to be just fine.

medicate me with kisses, please

okay.
well i'm over my little 'panties in a rumple' style snit of last night.
i got a good night's sleep and, no wait... i did not.

i was up with A for awhile last night because it seems that N passed on more than just her hand me down pajamas.
how generous.

and then after finally falling asleep again, N woke up in a coughing spell about 30 minutes before my alarm. and just like that- i am sleep deprived again.
but it's cool.  i am sleep deprived and content today.

sometimes those late nights in a rocking chair with a soft head of hair tucked under your chin give you some clarity. there is nothing wrong with being just mom. in fact, there is really no such thing, because to those little people, sometimes there IS just mom. only mom. when they cry out with runny little noises, it is me they want. and they don't care about all the things i used to be.

maybe this is all a little bipolar sounding. and in fact, that is exactly how i roll- i am nothing if not diverse. my three jobs are evidence of that. and today i have decided to focus on job #3, which really, truly is ALWAYS job #1, or more like the #1 job. i might hate this decision after the kids go to bed tonight, but i need a snuggle and play day. the work can wait.

but a shower- first i need a shower.

Ten on Ten: 10.10.11

Today was a lovely "office" day. I saw some patients, cleaned some house and then gave a biology lecture this evening. I prefer more kids in my day, but these alone days are pretty necessary too ;) I'm linking up to ten on ten today with A Bit of Sunshine. You should too!

One photo an hour for ten hours...

Snapshots of my day:

1= TV as a babysitter so I can make breakfast

2= N's pumpkin masterpiece

3= Triumphing over the clip that I got in her hair (it stayed about 4 minutes)

4= My new orange mums

5= Snacktime

6= My office buddy

7= Summer is still hanging on in the details

8= Other office buddies that are much less loveable

9= Patients mean that I need to wear shoes in my house

10= Sky on the way to class

pass me the (insert poison)

but mommy i don't waaant to go to school.
i know you say that buddy, but you don't want to stay with a babysitter either. what do you want N?

i want to stay home and snuggle with my mommy.

bam.
there it is, the low blow. i neeeed you mommy. you are not meeting my needs mommy. what kind of mommy am i? unfortunately the first word coming to mind right now is overwhelmed.
i am an overwhelmed mommy.

once upon a time, i had a beautiful baby boy and night and day switched places. focus went from pregnant me to helpless little soul and i was overwhelmed.
and then i learned to live and slept again and things got easy.
then right when N was at that tricky impossible toddler stage, we threw a darling baby girl in the mix. who knew that two was impossibly harder? double the work and double the drama and half the time. i was overwhelmed.
and then miraculously life began to come back to us and we made a happy place.
the work from home scenario is a slippery one, but it is good. still a paycheck, but with lots of time at home. and i have supplemented with teaching a couple college classes a week, both for the money and the sanity that only comes from leaving the house.
but then there is now.

i agreed to a double teaching load this semester. there were lots of reasons behind the choice and it is probably only going to be temporary, but wow. i am essentially a full time faculty member, except that i split the load between two colleges/three campuses. this means that any given day i am driving all over boofoo and trying to remember what the hell (class) i am teaching. i am trying to shove patients in non-existent time slots in a house that is a potential disaster because i don't have enough time to keep it up. i grocery shopped at 10pm last night after the kids were asleep but i still have no idea what i am making for dinner tonight. and finally, i am not home snuggling with the kiddos. i know they are fine and i know this is temporary. i know that i had always planned on working full-time until that bald little head popped out and changed my world. however, when that head arrived, i was done with 27 years of school. and 27 years of school costs money.

i wish i could call my lenders and tell them i will be happy to work and pay them back in about 10 years when all my kids are in school, but i am fairly sure that when you call them, there is not a phone option for that choice. so i continue to work, some semesters more than others. i know i am not alone but it feels like i am alone. i am overwhelmed. overwhelmed. overwhelmed.

and just maybe, i would rather go through 5 simultaneous unmedicated childbirths just to get maternity leave. but then there would be seven and my house is not clean enough for reality tv...

when can you justify the cost of therapy??

sometimes i think i must be the worst mommy in the whole world.

lately i have had 16,004 things to do with time for about 6. the kids have been here every day because i am not teaching for two more weeks and so i don't have any time to myself to do business things or prep class things or even pee alone- such are the stay at home mom issues that i am familiar with, except that i still have working mom things to do on top of them.

and seriously when oh when will N settle a bit? the tantrums are STILL going strong and that mouth of his.... we are starting a part-time preschool type scenario in a few weeks and i am almost embarrassed that i am sending a 16 year old moody teenager to the 4 year old room..... except that he is also one of the greatest personalities i've ever met. he does really need to go though because he hangs with adults too much and has learned the fine art of back talk- i guess from me. is that what i sound like?

so anyway- stuff to do and N all crazy-like and A into everything because she just started that 10 year stage where every drawer is repeatedly opened and every dog bowl overturned.
yesterday i was mean and put him in time out, sent him to his room, took toys away.
yesterday i was frustrated beyond belief.
yesterday in the midst of pointless and tedious arguing it came to a messy head.

yesterday i cried.
i do not want to cry in front of my children- i don't want them to think that i am crying because of them. ironically when i cry, it is usually because of them.
but that is not the point.
so of course i walk away to the other room and they follow me and i keep trying to walk away all the while sob sobbing with my face down because damn it, they might see. and then i can't walk anywhere else so i sit on the bed and make myself stop. (as  if you can just turn it off)

i "stopped" and then little 4-year-old arms come around me and say "it's alright momma. you can cry on my shoulder."

i know, right?
and my stinking weak-ace self starts crying again because how stinking cute is that? but now i am smiling too as he pats me with down-turned mouth saying "oh momma" "it's okay momma" "i love you" because he had to have learned that from someone awesome, right?

me. the mean mean mommy can occasionally be nice i guess.

so maybe that is a topic we should broach

I may have mentioned that I am schooled (for a thousand years) as a chiropractor and practice VERY part-time out the house. I am grateful for the education and point of view and it is great to be able to help my family and friends on the spot, but sometimes I forget that I am not just a mommy. As if there is such a thing as "just" a mommy.

My children don't get adjusted nearly enough unlike my husband who is a chiropractic junkie in need of a sudden fix. It usually occurs right after i have crawled into my cozy bed for the night...
It is my job, you know? I mean, it is a lifestyle too and since I end up working practically free most of the time, maybe I should refer to it as a hobby, but it is still my job. Most of you try not to take work home, I am sure, but mine is always here for better or for worse.
Anyway, so I don't work on my kids enough, I simply don't think about it. Usually only if they get sick do I realize I have neglected them and try to put their little bods back together. BUT, the times that i do, N LOVES it- he asks me to adjust him all the time like a little daddy-in-training and he wants to adjust me too. This involves me face down on the table with some blocks under my pelvis as he runs around the table lifting my legs up in turn and then pulling my head side to side making "crich crich" sounds :) It is pretty funny. I have even been known to encourage because at least I get a pseudo back scratch and if I am lucky, he might even walk on me! The chiropractor is usually the one who needs the work the most but we can't reach ourselves.

Then today I got a surprise adjustment.... to my butt. It turns out that maybe I should explain how we don't randomly adjust other people's behinds. To him, it is nothing because one of the best adjustments for a sick kid is to the sacrum- you know, that triangle shaped bone that dips down the butt crack?? I have adjusted next to that butt crack since he was born, but when your four year old almost sticks his thumb up your heiny, it takes on a totally different tone! Maybe now I know why our play date mom  insists that her son not play "doctor"---- I just thought she was worried that someday I would grab her kid and adjust him cause I thought he needed it (of course I would never do that) but now I worry that N has done this before. A "butt adjustment" out of context may be a little shocking.....

Additional fun fact: Apparently you can spell heiny is several ways and all are acceptable though none are in the dictionary (or spell check :) You're welcome.

feeling sorry for myself again

Today Sucks.
There- by me acknowledging it, I will have accomplished one of two possibilities, that A) I can move past the fact and forward with very low expectations or B) that my crappy mood is sure to make everything that much worse. So far, the latter seems to be winning out. My children are currently fighting over something behind me and I am non-parenting so that I can sulk- go ahead and judge. They have been whining and/or crying since they woke up this morning so I am starting to tune it out. N also dropped the new soap in the toilet and spilled sand from the cactus all over the desk.

Today is "supposed" to be a work day for me which means I drop the minions at the babysitter around ten and then alternate between seeing patients, commuting and teaching all day before retrieving minions around dinner. However, my babysitter called yesterday (at 3:30 PM) to tell me she couldn't keep the kids today because she had to go substitute teach. This loosely translates to "Can you not go to work tomorrow so that I can make an extra $20?" Our back-ups are college kids and they are unavailable today. We don't live close to family.

Soooooo here we go- I cancelled my class and since my voice is almost completely gone from a throat funk, the secretary probably thinks I have the plague so it works. I still have patients though, and of course they are scheduled during the usual nursing hours or when the minions are set to go down for naps- in other words, all of the convenient times. Let me reiterate- today sucks.

Of all days, why today when there is extra crazy in the air with my children. I think that we have a crack leak in the house because they are hopped up on something. At least most of my patients have several children of their own so I won't spoil their vision of motherhood or scar them into not having kids. Hopefully you all have a much better day- I am going to try to locate the source of the crazy so that I can have some, or else I won't be able to get through this day.