medicate me with kisses, please

okay.
well i'm over my little 'panties in a rumple' style snit of last night.
i got a good night's sleep and, no wait... i did not.

i was up with A for awhile last night because it seems that N passed on more than just her hand me down pajamas.
how generous.

and then after finally falling asleep again, N woke up in a coughing spell about 30 minutes before my alarm. and just like that- i am sleep deprived again.
but it's cool.  i am sleep deprived and content today.

sometimes those late nights in a rocking chair with a soft head of hair tucked under your chin give you some clarity. there is nothing wrong with being just mom. in fact, there is really no such thing, because to those little people, sometimes there IS just mom. only mom. when they cry out with runny little noises, it is me they want. and they don't care about all the things i used to be.

maybe this is all a little bipolar sounding. and in fact, that is exactly how i roll- i am nothing if not diverse. my three jobs are evidence of that. and today i have decided to focus on job #3, which really, truly is ALWAYS job #1, or more like the #1 job. i might hate this decision after the kids go to bed tonight, but i need a snuggle and play day. the work can wait.

but a shower- first i need a shower.

hello karma, you bitch

and it has happened. the first bad behavior report :(
after a couple weeks of green apple good behavior, yesterday was apparently, "not a good day"

i am so disappointed.
and maybe slightly wondering if karma has come around after my gloating.

we have been doing fiengold, which translates to spending 16,000 to switch out all of our products that we thought were "clean" to even cleaner approved products. and i guess since we missed some of the prohibited stuff for the last two weeks, then we really weren't even doing fiengold at all... i guess it is promising that he had such a good response with what we have done, but overall, the backtracking behavior is so so frustrating! apparently that is to be expected in this first stage, as they essentially "detox" from what is built up in their systems. while i have never fed them much artificial anything, he has LIVED on salicylate containing fruits and vegetables all summer so there is certainly that to contend with, but wow.

when you tell your teacher you "don't have to listen" to her and cover your ears when she is talking to you and then "sssshhhh" another teacher while you are in trouble and sitting in the hallway....
at least  he didn't punch anyone...

ahhhhh- i don't know if i can do it all. there is just so much to consider from the soaps in the school bathroom (or any public place really), to paint in the craft room and of course the shared treats and classroom parties. when i received the full 320 page shopping list, the enormity of it all hit me. part of me is desperate for this to work- it would explain so very much and solve even more and let him thrive. but honestly, the other part of me hopes it doesn't work so then the full program doesn't have to be our new and forever normal. one thing i am sure of though is anger. anger at the food industry that has allowed all this... shit... to be in our food. many times it is not even labeled and make no mistake, it IS shit. coal tar derivatives and petroleum and waste products of manufacturing just dumped into our food or used to refine all the oils used for cooking them. it is out of control. it makes me sick that you should have to spend money to get "the list" to find clean food for your family.

the night before yesterday's crazy day, he drew all over himself with markers. what kid has not done that? and it should be no big deal, except it was. as he was getting dressed last night, the remnants of all that artificial dye remained zigzagged across his fair little belly and it all came together. that simple act was like an iv of crazy for him. not all children, but for him. not food. just common childhood "things". it is truly a bummer. i HATE to be that crazy mom but i guess i have to be that crazy mom.

he is worth it. and no one is going to "ssshhhh" me about it.

everything i need to know i learned in kindergarten, or in the process of sending my dude to kindergarten

i find myself on the other side of the great kindergarten switch up. i am alive. the tears were not nearly as long or ugly as i feared, but now the worry has set in.

did we do the right thing?

i have a really hard time with just making a decision and going with it. on my deathbed, i will probably wonder if my undoing was because of some random choice i made when i was 22. here's to hoping my deathbed is a long time away or i will overthink it even more.

anyway... did you know that being a parent involves a decision or three thousand? and some of those decisions are hard.

N's bday placed him in this kinder class by ten days. we wavered. we discussed. we were sure that yes, he should go. we were sure that no he was not ready. we asked. we stewed and ultimately we sent the kid to school- obviously.

but.
here i sit 1.5 weeks later and i am still just not sure he is supposed to be there. he's got the brains, but his maturity is still stuck in 4 year old world. he really doesn't pay attention very well. really.
really.
his teacher commented that he has "focusing issues", which sent my hackles up a little because, hello? he just started a brand new routine. he is barely five.
she also said he was a smarty and that he would probably be just fine, but i latched right on the the negative and it sits in my brain, right next to the grocery list. and right next to the thought that some teacher, some day is probably going to tell me he needs adhd meds- he is a little...  passionate. hot tempered. hyper. but he IS five...

so what's a girl to do when all you can do is wait and pray and hope?
well- she can go all crazy trying to fix things and add reading and researching.
she can discover that maybe, just maybe his behavior matches up extraordinarily well with food sensitivities, even better than i previously thought. she can decide that we are going to be a Feingold Family for awhile and just see what happens.

but most importantly, she can give a silent high five to her husband when N reports that some of his classmates got sent to the Principal's office for misbehaving and he was good all week. she should also hope that karma doesn't turn around and bite her in her additive-free ass.

and then there were two and there was never silence again

it is fair to say that when your two year old climbs into your lap, covers one of your eyes with a book and says "you're a pirate- aaaargggh!" that you will think she is the most brilliant child ever- or at least as brilliant as your own precocious four year old who paved the way.

N was an early talker- with me as a parent, the poor kid was destined for the 'can't stop talking' gene and boy has that been the truth. when other children were pointing and grunting at their sippy cups, he was asking me to "pass my yummy drink, pweeeease" and since then he pretty much has not stopped speaking but for the 10 hour hiatus called nighttime. this trait is both a blessing and a curse as you can imagine and we have had a book's worth of commentary that despite my best efforts, i will sadly never remember.

when A started to talk, we thought maybe she was behind, at least by N's standards and then seemingly overnight, the single words morphed into paragraphs and we are well on our way to having another one who makes up little songs and makes us belly laugh with her baby creativity.

and it is glorious.

things i learned in a restroom stall: part 3

privates, butt, penis, balls... wiener even.
he WON'T stop talking about them. my son, not my husband, though i am sure he is equally as proud of his manhood. completely sure in fact. in his college glory days especially. hence all the awesome anatomically incorrect terminology that N has learned

but my son. my teeny tiny little man. he is FOUR.
he is obsessed and i am freaked the hell out.
i am waiting for a random call from his school (desperately hoping it will be them and not protective services or something) because what kind of kid references his privates 700 times a day?!?!
"look at me mom- i'm touching my privates."
"mom- am i not supposed to talk about penises?"
"sorry i bumped my balls into you!"
STOP THE MADNESS.
for real kid.
stop. it.
stop it or i won't delete this post when you're older and there will be an arsenal full of embarrassing info for your 16 year-old girlfriend.
stop it or i'll make you start staying home from preschool so you can't freak out your teachers.
stop it or i'll be forced to squirt you with a water bottle every time you mention your member (let's pretend i wouldn't enjoy that last one).

i think it is a stage. i am fairly certain that other mothers have stressed about their child saying stuff like this and it being misconstrued. and i am sure that i have made it worse by trying to stifle his comments.

but most of all, i know he has learned that he can push my buttons... i just wish he would wash his hands first.

Things I Learned in a Restroom Stall: Part 1
Things I Learned in a Restroom Stall: Part 2

here comes the rain

motherhood is not all sunshine and roses.
there are sunny, flower filled days for sure. and they far outweigh the torrential rainfall of tantrum induced tears and the shear stress of rearing miniature humans.

but if i'm being honest, some days it is hard to focus on the happy because the hard is just so obvious. when you are ridiculously sick from spending three days covered in the snot and tears of your sick kids and haven't had any sleep all week for the same reason. when all you want to do is sleep off the funk and the kids still need fed and bathed and played with... yeah, then.

today is a stormy mom day. and damnit, if i could just sleep all day, the sun of tomorrow would probably peak out a little sooner. but i know that can't happen so i guess it's a good thing flowers need rain with their sun if they are going to blossom. maybe my little people flowers need it too.

don't make 'em like they used to, except for a few fine exceptions (dear husband)

I recently received this picture from my aunt who was going through old pictures.
It is my grandpa.

I just think it is the greatest grandest picture of him- he was a horse rancher, a carpenter and business owner. He was an expert trick diver and a naval man. He remains a father, a husband and one of the kindest souls in the history of the world.
Over the holidays we were fortunate to get most of our family together, him included and I couldn't help but wonder how many years we all have together. I am so thankful that my children have met their great grandpa, even if N did just tell me today how he doesn't like when Gramps talks in the Donald Duck voice ;)
He is also still quite the character.