tears will fill a river to ferry my heart

today was the kids' first official day "off" from school. i feel like i should go ahead and jump head first into summer fun, but i am just not there yet. aaron went to a Cardinal game, i was generally crabby, and the kids were a weensy bit challenging.
bedtime whack-a-mole was especially lengthy with one and then the other popping back out...
"love you mom"
"night mom"
"see you in the morning mom"
all set to me gritting my teeth trying not to scream at them to get the hell back to bed.

and then tears. from A this time, not me, though I could've cried too.

i wandered back into her room and she was sobbing.
"what's the matter?"
"i just lo-oo-oo-ve you (hiccup). i don't want you to die"

she was so sad.
in fact, she has been so preoccupied with this lately that it is starting to freak me out a little. Maybe i should get some tests run...

i just held her and told her i am not dying and when eventually (hopefully in the very distant future) i am gone, i will always be in her heart.
she cried and cried (and so did baby S from the other room because it was feeding time) and i just wanted to freeze time. there i sat with her little arms around my neck, her tear-stained face buried in my shoulder, asking "will you always be with me?" and i fast forwarded to a teenage A who wonders "why won't mom leave me alone?"

i can only hope i don't forget what her beautiful face looks like at 4 precious years old with fat tears stuck to her longer than long lashes, her tangled, pink princess night gown, and her down-turned mouth saying how much she loves me.
because even when she is pushing me away and demanding independence she will always be with me.

times go by so.... NOT slowly

I will post again tomorrow when the reality sets in that I have two kiddos off at school- I am ready for it, but not. I never planned on sending Aila to preschool when she was only 3, but financially, we just couldn't say no because our (awesome) school has a great deal for families. So tomorrow, the alarm will again be set and this time I will be shuttling two precious pieces of cargo off for someone else to love on. This is just the catalyst I need to start blogging again :) It has been a really long summer with lots of things to post about, but my laptop is perpetually cranky and won't upload pictures to Blogger... it has been enough to turn me off! But for a Back to School survey, I had to see what I could do. I asked the same questions of Nolan as last year, but for Aila, we are all new.

NOLAN:
What do you want to be when you grow up? Scientist!
Where do you want to live?  Illinois- he said I am allowed to visit whenever I want
What kind of car will you drive? I'll paint it myself- a Skylander car
Are you going to get married? Yes
Will you have babies? Yes- a boy and a girl
What's your favorite color? Red and Blue
What's your favorite food? Roasted Broccoli!!! and also Roast Beef- he likes to roast
What's your favorite thing to do? Go to the park
What's your favorite TV show or movie? Super Mario Brothers (staying power) and Sponge Bob (puke)

AILA:
What do you want to be when you grow up? Princess Belle
Where do you want to live? With Renee' ("the neighbor with the grandpa and that's where i want to live")
What kind of car will you drive? A purple one
Are you going to get married? Yes
Will you have babies? Yes- a girl (named Alyssa)
What's your favorite color? Purple and Pink
What's your favorite food? Bread
What's your favorite thing to do? Go swimming
What's your favorite TV show or movie? Princess shows and the Tinkerbell movie

medicate me with kisses, please

okay.
well i'm over my little 'panties in a rumple' style snit of last night.
i got a good night's sleep and, no wait... i did not.

i was up with A for awhile last night because it seems that N passed on more than just her hand me down pajamas.
how generous.

and then after finally falling asleep again, N woke up in a coughing spell about 30 minutes before my alarm. and just like that- i am sleep deprived again.
but it's cool.  i am sleep deprived and content today.

sometimes those late nights in a rocking chair with a soft head of hair tucked under your chin give you some clarity. there is nothing wrong with being just mom. in fact, there is really no such thing, because to those little people, sometimes there IS just mom. only mom. when they cry out with runny little noises, it is me they want. and they don't care about all the things i used to be.

maybe this is all a little bipolar sounding. and in fact, that is exactly how i roll- i am nothing if not diverse. my three jobs are evidence of that. and today i have decided to focus on job #3, which really, truly is ALWAYS job #1, or more like the #1 job. i might hate this decision after the kids go to bed tonight, but i need a snuggle and play day. the work can wait.

but a shower- first i need a shower.

everything i need to know i learned in kindergarten, or in the process of sending my dude to kindergarten

i find myself on the other side of the great kindergarten switch up. i am alive. the tears were not nearly as long or ugly as i feared, but now the worry has set in.

did we do the right thing?

i have a really hard time with just making a decision and going with it. on my deathbed, i will probably wonder if my undoing was because of some random choice i made when i was 22. here's to hoping my deathbed is a long time away or i will overthink it even more.

anyway... did you know that being a parent involves a decision or three thousand? and some of those decisions are hard.

N's bday placed him in this kinder class by ten days. we wavered. we discussed. we were sure that yes, he should go. we were sure that no he was not ready. we asked. we stewed and ultimately we sent the kid to school- obviously.

but.
here i sit 1.5 weeks later and i am still just not sure he is supposed to be there. he's got the brains, but his maturity is still stuck in 4 year old world. he really doesn't pay attention very well. really.
really.
his teacher commented that he has "focusing issues", which sent my hackles up a little because, hello? he just started a brand new routine. he is barely five.
she also said he was a smarty and that he would probably be just fine, but i latched right on the the negative and it sits in my brain, right next to the grocery list. and right next to the thought that some teacher, some day is probably going to tell me he needs adhd meds- he is a little...  passionate. hot tempered. hyper. but he IS five...

so what's a girl to do when all you can do is wait and pray and hope?
well- she can go all crazy trying to fix things and add reading and researching.
she can discover that maybe, just maybe his behavior matches up extraordinarily well with food sensitivities, even better than i previously thought. she can decide that we are going to be a Feingold Family for awhile and just see what happens.

but most importantly, she can give a silent high five to her husband when N reports that some of his classmates got sent to the Principal's office for misbehaving and he was good all week. she should also hope that karma doesn't turn around and bite her in her additive-free ass.

growing, growing, gone

if I being honest, N has spent most of the last two years on my last nerve, which is a testament to just how long a nerve can stretch... i adore him with my entire being but he is my child, and by default, he got a little bit of my crazy.

he trots off to the world of a school kid next week and i truly do not know how to walk him up those steps and deposit him into academia without me around to hold his hand and shake my head at his antics.
how will i be able to leave a little piece of heart in a classroom and acknowledge that the last five years are in fact, behind me? he is so small, but he was so much smaller.

in many ways i feel like i wasted so much of our time together. i specifically worked part-time to spend more hours at home with him and his sister. i had such high hopes for projects and day trips and teaching by example.

for months and years, we had time, time, time.
time to read stories the next day because too much work had to be done.
time to accept instead of correct.
time to mess up our parenting a zillion times without them remembering.
time to almost fantasize about when he was "older" or more "self-sufficient" or more "independent"...

damn it.
that time is now. and i can't help but feel i didn't have enough time.
i didn't lead a good enough example.
i didn't just enjoy it for what it was.

there is no amount of perfection that would be more than what he deserves and though i have certainly tried very hard to be a good mom, i can only hope that it was enough. i pray that he will be a well-adjusted little person that is respectful and kind, that can take criticism and direction. i pray that he uses that crazy strong will for leadership. most of all, i pray that he knows just how much i love every sweet, crabby, spirited and handsome fiber of his little self and that he feels that my thoughts are with him through the day.

i think there was at least time enough to teach him that.

once upon a time, it was just this little man

Haircut? I think not... yet ;)

here comes the rain

motherhood is not all sunshine and roses.
there are sunny, flower filled days for sure. and they far outweigh the torrential rainfall of tantrum induced tears and the shear stress of rearing miniature humans.

but if i'm being honest, some days it is hard to focus on the happy because the hard is just so obvious. when you are ridiculously sick from spending three days covered in the snot and tears of your sick kids and haven't had any sleep all week for the same reason. when all you want to do is sleep off the funk and the kids still need fed and bathed and played with... yeah, then.

today is a stormy mom day. and damnit, if i could just sleep all day, the sun of tomorrow would probably peak out a little sooner. but i know that can't happen so i guess it's a good thing flowers need rain with their sun if they are going to blossom. maybe my little people flowers need it too.

in which i hold paper that costs 400 smacks

today i was reminded why nobody in our family is allowed to get sick... i mean for more than the obvious reasons like being terrifying and generally bad news.
that shit is expensive.

remember my blog post about my little man and his food allergy situation??
well, update.
the allergist does not think the food allergies are a potential asthma trigger PLUS it turns out that when i actually received (on my person) the blood test results, they didn't look nearly as bad as overly dramatic Nurse Ratchet led overly dramatic medical personnel momma to believe over the phone.

and. it is bad, yes, that the poor fella is allergic to our very lovable and ridiculously smelly and hairy pooch. but the rest of the list, the slew of foodstuffs found in all foodstuffs was so minimal that they might even be considered false positives... nice huh? overreaction much?
except for milk, which we already knew- that is still a minor, very minor player. so yes EXCITING and thankful rejoicing all around because he can still eat a cupcake at a birthday party but frowny face over having to tell your four year old he can't have basically anything anymore and then say "just kidding" one week later...
only a slight digression because it illustrates a point. the point being that we had a very strong inkling that the kid was allergic to the dog and milk. and that is exactly what the $413 lab bill told me too. i know that's not the point, i work in the health field- i get it. diagnostic tests rule things out, but i can't help but be a tad cranky that we have to pay that much money to find out what we already knew, just printed on four $100 sheets of paper.
the kicker is this- the test ACTUALLY cost $1700+ and $1300 was written off because of our insurance agreement. mind blowing- thousands of dollars to pull out a few vials of blood and test them up. but it is not the providers fault. they have to charge that much for a tiny little procedure because insurance forces them to write so much off as part of the agreement and they do still need to make money and pay their help. what a broken system.
B.
ro.
KEN.

{sigh} i will never forget all the $$ that my family got socked with when my mom kept growing brain tumors and everyone wondering why since she had insurance. i still break out in a cold sweat with every "eob" we ever receive from the smallest of check up appointments- just in anticipation.
{longer sigh} this is the system i must toil away in. and while i work in it and try to pay back the gazillion loans that landed me here, i sure as hell can't afford to be a regular patient in it.  rant over.

and fist pump for four year olds that can eat the same stuff as everyone else.
and double fist pump for mommies that won't let them crappy stuff just because they can.
and google fist pumps that we haven't had a major health issue to really get all ranty (not "randy" like blogger wants me to change this word to) about.
i don't know if people are actually still fist pumping but maybe it will intimidate the insurance gods if we all do it together. stay healthy friends.

who knew such an easy remedy was right in the fridge?

i am the anti-waster~
at least in terms of food. we won't talk about the poor, wasted,  forlorn shoes left in my closet after an impulse purchase or the shear amount of time tossed away on pinterest "nothing".
food.
i hate wasting food so i try really hard to use up leftovers and put all parts of things to good use.

but imagine my surprise to find that at less than 2 years of age, A is following in my footsteps.
yesterday i roasted a chicken and used the bones for stock. whenever i do this, i leave the container in the fridge overnight so that the fat rises to the top, solidifies and I can get rid of it. I haven't found a "good' use for plain yellow chicken fat yet...
or should I say hadn't, because my darling little lady who has been a non-sleeping crab of a child lately decided SHE was the anti-waster.
and when my back was turned, she retrieved the nasty, gooey, mess from the trash can, put it in her plastic teacup and sat down to eat it with a spoon...

yeah, i know.
i would have snapped a photo but i was too busy trying not to vomit.

but hey, today is her first real nap in days so as long as she's not poisoned, maybe she's onto something...

a non-political but anatomical debate

this morning i was smothering my little munchkin with kisses. she LOVES kisses!
just tosses her face back and lets you devour her chubby little cheeks!
i hope someday she is not so fond of kisses from boys ;)
anyway i was giggling and smooching and suddenly caught a whiff of... "baby" smell. she hasn't smelled like baby in quite awhile and that is all it took for my uterus to shout at me!
does it want a baby again??
i am thinking that my brain does not... but that uterus is a leader- she has charisma! what if she recruits my heart to the cause? my heart is a yes girl... she hates the word no.
if my heart and uterus both say yes, my brain will likely lose. it's two to one.
my overwhlemed brain- she has issues. but she knows better, doesn't she??

what a downer.... negative nancy can only go up from here

i am failing.
this is a very hard thing for me to admit but i have never felt so out of control in my entire life. at the end of the day, it shouldn't matter if the dishes get done or a damn halloween costume get sewed. what should matter is that my kids feel safe and loved. that they have a mommy who spends time with them and leads by example- which is the exact opposite of this mess sitting here at the computer.
i have so. much. work to do.
i am so tired.
i am so sad.
this beautiful crazy and frustratingly strong-willed little soul has pushed and pushed lately. he is my clone. he is amazing. and he can piss me off like nobody's business. i am done for today- he just got sent to bed after one too many buttons got pushed. and now in the quiet i reflect on how all he heard from me today was negative. corrections. admonitions. i only got to spend 3 hours with him and i was mad the entire time. it was a night wasted.
we should be snuggling and laughing. except we are not.
because i am failing at the job i want to be best at.
and then there's the other one. she cries and cries if i am not holding her. she is 18 months old and has never been like this and i KNOW it is because i am suddenly gone all the time with this triple work insanity.
she won't sit in her highchair. she won't nap. she won't let me out of her sight.
she won't share me.
when her "maamaa" overlaps with her brother's "mom! watch me" and the dog is barking at some non-existent sound, i think my head just might explode. but only because i am simultaneously trying to grade papers, bill insurance for patient visits and make dinner all with a smile.
perfectionism has long been my worst quality but lately i can't even be average.
i am even failing at keeping up my worst quality.
Lord help my babies- maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

pass me the (insert poison)

but mommy i don't waaant to go to school.
i know you say that buddy, but you don't want to stay with a babysitter either. what do you want N?

i want to stay home and snuggle with my mommy.

bam.
there it is, the low blow. i neeeed you mommy. you are not meeting my needs mommy. what kind of mommy am i? unfortunately the first word coming to mind right now is overwhelmed.
i am an overwhelmed mommy.

once upon a time, i had a beautiful baby boy and night and day switched places. focus went from pregnant me to helpless little soul and i was overwhelmed.
and then i learned to live and slept again and things got easy.
then right when N was at that tricky impossible toddler stage, we threw a darling baby girl in the mix. who knew that two was impossibly harder? double the work and double the drama and half the time. i was overwhelmed.
and then miraculously life began to come back to us and we made a happy place.
the work from home scenario is a slippery one, but it is good. still a paycheck, but with lots of time at home. and i have supplemented with teaching a couple college classes a week, both for the money and the sanity that only comes from leaving the house.
but then there is now.

i agreed to a double teaching load this semester. there were lots of reasons behind the choice and it is probably only going to be temporary, but wow. i am essentially a full time faculty member, except that i split the load between two colleges/three campuses. this means that any given day i am driving all over boofoo and trying to remember what the hell (class) i am teaching. i am trying to shove patients in non-existent time slots in a house that is a potential disaster because i don't have enough time to keep it up. i grocery shopped at 10pm last night after the kids were asleep but i still have no idea what i am making for dinner tonight. and finally, i am not home snuggling with the kiddos. i know they are fine and i know this is temporary. i know that i had always planned on working full-time until that bald little head popped out and changed my world. however, when that head arrived, i was done with 27 years of school. and 27 years of school costs money.

i wish i could call my lenders and tell them i will be happy to work and pay them back in about 10 years when all my kids are in school, but i am fairly sure that when you call them, there is not a phone option for that choice. so i continue to work, some semesters more than others. i know i am not alone but it feels like i am alone. i am overwhelmed. overwhelmed. overwhelmed.

and just maybe, i would rather go through 5 simultaneous unmedicated childbirths just to get maternity leave. but then there would be seven and my house is not clean enough for reality tv...

add yet another issue to my file

do you ever feel like everyone is judging you?
i do on a very regular basis- maybe that makes me a narcissist or just paranoid. i am not sure but i wish you'd quit looking at me like that!

N recently started at the learning center of the college i teach at. it seems like it is going to work out pretty well for him, but i am not sure about me. the woman in charge is one of those people who seems super sweet and is really soft spoken and smiley and basically just meant to hang out with the kiddos because her adult social skills are a bit off. i think she is a judger. each time we speak, i feel like she wants to laugh at me for being such an idiot parent. i said that N was excited to come and has never been in a group setting. "mmmmhmmm" she mumbled with a sly smile and a nod while i heard "oh so i suppose you think you've been a good substitute for my impeccable learning cener, organized play and unlimited access to creative explorations".
seriously- she was thinking that- i just know these things. i am kind of a mind reading ninja.

it went on and on. for everything i said, she had an imaginary and silent retort for me. and so by the time i left our second meeting, she was on my list. BUT the center is great! and the teachers are great! and N is gonna love it- but that lady..... i just know she hates me.

well.
thursday was his first day. he was "pumped". his words, not mine :) he had a great day, i think. according to his teachers, he was the only one who didn't take a nap. he used the bathroom 17 times (it is a novelty with its short little toilet and sink). he was unhappy that his new best friend Bryan wouldn't share his dinosaur but he was happy with his day. he didn't want to come home. lady in charge gave me a sideways glance and acted shocked when i told her that N usually doesn't nap until 2 or 3 so again, i felt judged. it is tough work being such a crazy perfectionist.

and then there was today. i stopped in after my class just to see how things were going though i expected to leave and run some errands before coming back for him. BUT he wanted to come home since my mom was at our house. i wasn't going to tell him "no you have to stay at school" when the awesomeness that is his nana was hanging out at his house wating to shower him with fun and affection. so i took him out. apparently they don't like it when you remove them before the super special lunch comes. but seriously, why care?? i already paid for a whole day so let's not freak about having one less little person around for the afternoon. i mean, in the very least, we opened up the bathroom a bit for others to use. SHE gave me another one of those little faces and though i avoided showing her where N got his backtalking skills from, we did hightail it out of there.

and then it came to me suddenly on the drive home that though i marked NONE in the "allergy" section of his enrollment forms, N does in fact have a significant allergy issue with cow's milk! and by significant, i mean that he has been known to have his eyes swell shut.... that would certainly result in a frantic call to the incompetent parent who would have to pretend to be appalled and freaked out and sad to leave my job to retrieve the invalid. it gets better very fast so don't think i am being insensitive to his plight but honestly, HOW did i leave that off?? i guess we are just so used to giving him goat or rice or almond milk that it never occurred to me that other people kinda get theirs from a cow... especially in a daycare type environment. failure by me. point for ms. hannegan of the learning center.

we make it home. we play, we eat. we nap. we eat. we argue. we play outside. a good day overall and then....

and then, of course, N falls face freaking first into the ridiculous rock grotto that the previous owners built in our backyard (and that we haven't been able to pull from our yard lest we lose a bumper off our car or break a sledge hammer or something). he has a HUGE mark on his cheek and some new scratches. good thing it is almost a week until N has to make another appearance at school, or the meanish, super-nice faced, childlike voice lady would have me arrested for abuse.

and then who would buy my poor kid goat milk?

which would you rather have, a chicken burrito or a shiny new four year old??

i am sitting at the table across from  my usually very handsome boy. his face right now is screwed into this weird caricature of himself and there are fake cries and moaning sounds coming from his vicinity. he refuses to eat his dinner, which pisses me off in itself because i would KILL to have his burrito right now being on day 4 of this cleanse and all. i decided i had to do something to keep myself from strangling him and if i even look at him i might snap soooooo hello lovely readers :)

we are at a stalemate- we are supposed to be at this party about 30 minutes ago but i told him we can't go until he eats his dinner. and i mean it. but we really HAVE to go.......

i hate when he does this. it is not often- he is usually a champ but i am not going to deal with an ungrateful little fella that won't eat a perfectly good, scratch that- freaking delicious looking chicken burrito!!!! maybe i am exaggerating and unneccessarily mean because my blood sugar is low. yesterday was a good day. both my husband and i were full and satisfied all day but today the reality that it is only day 4 out of 21 and that i can't even have fish for another week really kicked in. man i want that burrito ;)

we really need to get to the party- although there will be food there. likely many types that i can't eat so maybe N is just trying to save me from my cravings. or he is just four with an attitude. whatever.

so maybe that is a topic we should broach

I may have mentioned that I am schooled (for a thousand years) as a chiropractor and practice VERY part-time out the house. I am grateful for the education and point of view and it is great to be able to help my family and friends on the spot, but sometimes I forget that I am not just a mommy. As if there is such a thing as "just" a mommy.

My children don't get adjusted nearly enough unlike my husband who is a chiropractic junkie in need of a sudden fix. It usually occurs right after i have crawled into my cozy bed for the night...
It is my job, you know? I mean, it is a lifestyle too and since I end up working practically free most of the time, maybe I should refer to it as a hobby, but it is still my job. Most of you try not to take work home, I am sure, but mine is always here for better or for worse.
Anyway, so I don't work on my kids enough, I simply don't think about it. Usually only if they get sick do I realize I have neglected them and try to put their little bods back together. BUT, the times that i do, N LOVES it- he asks me to adjust him all the time like a little daddy-in-training and he wants to adjust me too. This involves me face down on the table with some blocks under my pelvis as he runs around the table lifting my legs up in turn and then pulling my head side to side making "crich crich" sounds :) It is pretty funny. I have even been known to encourage because at least I get a pseudo back scratch and if I am lucky, he might even walk on me! The chiropractor is usually the one who needs the work the most but we can't reach ourselves.

Then today I got a surprise adjustment.... to my butt. It turns out that maybe I should explain how we don't randomly adjust other people's behinds. To him, it is nothing because one of the best adjustments for a sick kid is to the sacrum- you know, that triangle shaped bone that dips down the butt crack?? I have adjusted next to that butt crack since he was born, but when your four year old almost sticks his thumb up your heiny, it takes on a totally different tone! Maybe now I know why our play date mom  insists that her son not play "doctor"---- I just thought she was worried that someday I would grab her kid and adjust him cause I thought he needed it (of course I would never do that) but now I worry that N has done this before. A "butt adjustment" out of context may be a little shocking.....

Additional fun fact: Apparently you can spell heiny is several ways and all are acceptable though none are in the dictionary (or spell check :) You're welcome.

Rockin his birthday lollipop

This kid,
Is pure sass and energy.
He is sunshine and fury.
He is love and pure frustration.
This kid is humor and giggles.
The most brilliant young mind I've met but the craziest old soul.
He is wonder and memories and an excuse to be best.
He is four.
This kid is mine.

With his new bike helmet and backpack :)

Happy Birthday Little Fella- thank you for making me a mommy!

'Fall Back' off the schedule

Here we are two days out of the time change and as always occurs after shifting the clocks, my kids are way messed up. It is light out earlier so my son pops out of bed at the crack of dawn (if he isn't still in the bed from his nightly sleep migration- more on that later) shouts "Mom! Can I have a snack?!" wakes up the baby and forces my bleary eyes and sleeping mind to focus on his cheery blond head. Mentally I knock him over the head with my pillow but physically I gather his warm form into my bed and try to hush the little one back to sleep. Here we are, a brand new day....
As the day goes on, we are officially flying by the seat of our pants, my little nursling becomes a grazer who sleeps during her brief feedings and doesn't want to nap. The babysitter is going to love us tomorrow because there is now no such thing as a schedule! We still have a pretty good day overall and manage to squeeze in some outside playtime even though the sun drops right after my little man's naptime.
Strangely enough, they both stay awake until the new bedtime, so why is it that when my 'alarm' calls for breakfast in the morning, it will be so stinking early again???