we can do things

you have a kid and the world literally stops. he is your first and you are thrust into this foreign world of sleep deprivation and poop and leaking boobs and you sink or swim for a few weeks or even months. and somewhere in there, you discover that even though you are no longer "you" but instead a you plus one, somebody has to get some groceries. you plus one plan your trip with a dedication that rivals your professional board exam prep... you have 13 spare onsies and 14 diapers, a pacifier that he has never taken to, 3 burp cloths and an extra mom shirt. the car seat stands ready. he has eaten. he has been thoroughly burped and changed. you are ready.
you drive to the store. park. pray.
you plus one can do this.
you leave him in the carseat because he fell asleep on the way and there is no way you are going to risk waking him. it is the quickest trip ever- no list- no coupons- minimal eye contact with strangers. when he makes a small peep, your heart races, ready for the screams.
somehow, you make it through and walk back to the car. the sky is blue and the birds are singing and you realize that you plus one can leave the house alone. you can sorta do things just like you used to.

then you have baby 2 and you panic at the thought of taking the two of them anywhere. you avoid the grocery store because you plus two is a whole different ballgame. baby 1 is now a toddler and nobody wants to see him in a tantrum. but then out of necessity, you again join society. you toss a spare diaper in your purse, but nothing else because moms of 2 are known to live dangerously. you wear baby girl in a sling and push toddler boy in the cart. you might fend off a few moments of panic, but eventually it is no big thing. life goes on. you plus 2 are rockstars.

then comes baby 3. three kids.
this changes things because you only have 2 hands.

BUT IT IS SUMMER
and kid 1 and 2 are bored. already.

you have successfully navigated the store 3 or 4 times alone with the wolf pack in tow. you didn't even take your bag with you because the store is right down the street and if baby 3 poops all over her clothes, you wouldn't want to drag them all into the bathroom anyway. you get adventurous and hit the library. it goes okay- nobody kicks you out so you dream big. maybe you plus 3 can go big places this summer and no one will throw tantrums or run into traffic or rip your top down and demand to be fed.
maybe...

mary, mary, quite contrary

once upon a time there was a house.
and the house had no landscaping and the lady of the house just wanted some flowers and trees and privacy.

and the years went by and she planted and planted.
some trees fell down, some gardens were neglected, but by and large the flowers grew. the bushes grew. the plants grew. and the lady was happy and the house smiled.

and one day, the lady decided she wanted some lilies and purchased them end of season in hopes that they would surprise her the following spring when they burst from the earth.
instead, they surprised her husband who forgot they were there and weed whacked them down before they would realize their potential. and then again the following spring and the lady was sad. but they were just a few flowers among a yard full of life and so she looked forward to the third spring.

finally after many days of rain and frost on a fine May day, the lilies peeked from the ground, the tips bright green, the buds healthy and ready to show off the beautiful fruits of 3 years growth. the husband was careful to let them live and the lady was ripe with anticipation of her lily border finally springing forth.

and then while her attention was elsewhere, her 4 year old suddenly pulled them up by the roots to add to her "collection"

and the lady was sad.
maybe next year...

times go by so.... NOT slowly

I will post again tomorrow when the reality sets in that I have two kiddos off at school- I am ready for it, but not. I never planned on sending Aila to preschool when she was only 3, but financially, we just couldn't say no because our (awesome) school has a great deal for families. So tomorrow, the alarm will again be set and this time I will be shuttling two precious pieces of cargo off for someone else to love on. This is just the catalyst I need to start blogging again :) It has been a really long summer with lots of things to post about, but my laptop is perpetually cranky and won't upload pictures to Blogger... it has been enough to turn me off! But for a Back to School survey, I had to see what I could do. I asked the same questions of Nolan as last year, but for Aila, we are all new.

NOLAN:
What do you want to be when you grow up? Scientist!
Where do you want to live?  Illinois- he said I am allowed to visit whenever I want
What kind of car will you drive? I'll paint it myself- a Skylander car
Are you going to get married? Yes
Will you have babies? Yes- a boy and a girl
What's your favorite color? Red and Blue
What's your favorite food? Roasted Broccoli!!! and also Roast Beef- he likes to roast
What's your favorite thing to do? Go to the park
What's your favorite TV show or movie? Super Mario Brothers (staying power) and Sponge Bob (puke)

AILA:
What do you want to be when you grow up? Princess Belle
Where do you want to live? With Renee' ("the neighbor with the grandpa and that's where i want to live")
What kind of car will you drive? A purple one
Are you going to get married? Yes
Will you have babies? Yes- a girl (named Alyssa)
What's your favorite color? Purple and Pink
What's your favorite food? Bread
What's your favorite thing to do? Go swimming
What's your favorite TV show or movie? Princess shows and the Tinkerbell movie

pray for my soul and the souls of moms everywhere

sometimes i feel like going to Walmart is a part-time job because of how long it takes to get through it with two children hanging off the cart.

seriously, if there is a purgatory, i think it is probably one GIANT Walmart with a huge shopping list and borrowed children that number in the 100s. you would literally be there for 600 years unless enough people prayed for your poor soul and you could start scratching things off the list. and then you'd roll up to the gates of heaven looking all haggard in your yoga pants with pasty skin and a greasy ponytail and be like, "now?? can i come in now?" maybe all the time i spend in Walmart now will cut a few days off for me later.

anyway, meanwhile... in Walmart.
sometimes when we are shopping and N is helping me 'push' the cart he nearly maims innocent passersby so i keep him on a pretty tight leash (metaphorically speaking). yesterday was no exception and as i stopped to pick out eggs, he kept pushing. when i told him to "stop, stay here" he started to swing the cart around into a suspecting woman- i say suspecting, because she seemed to anticipate her demise by cart pretty accurately. so i took two steps, grabbed the cart and repeated "stop, stay here" followed by "N, you are going to knock someone out if you are not careful" and then i hunched up my shoulders and turned ready to receive the stink eye from the suspecting woman.
only she smiled at me.

and then she said, "you are a good momma"

and i had no words. for once, someone was not judging a tired mom in a store with her stir-crazy kids? every time i am at the store i see some old lady stare down a young mom whose child is crying or whose kid is singing their ABCs a bit too loud (exhibit B is us) and it always makes me frown. and now i think i might be jaded, because for a second, i thought she was joking.

i am convinced that motherhood is the only job that if given a compliment on your skills, you just think someone is messing with you...

but i think maybe she was serious, and she can't possible know how good that felt or how i thought about it all evening long. i hope God was watching- surely that was good for a few years off my purgatory total :)

so where were we??

hmmm so many crazy things, so little time to document. i believe that everyone i know has enough material for very valid reality shows. it's all about selling the story though.
add some boobs and catfights- marketable.
add some backwoods style with a side of ketchup and spaghetti- marketable.
spotlight an exhausted, woe-is-me momma and it is just not prett- not marketable.
but alas i am still here and i will attempt to put this life down on a website for 12 people to read, mostly because my mom (love you mom) won't stop bugging me about a new post ;)
so here we are.

it has been... awhile.
in fact, i need to go back and look at what i last blogged about- please standby.

ah Christmas- duh.
okay so here we are in 2013. this is going to be the year that i get it together again. since my first blog post is 19 days in already, i guess i need to step it up. i thought the first post would be on the 10th for ten on ten, but i forgot until about 3 PM- i pulled out the camera and took a few shots and then i got distracted trying to prep 15 chapters of anatomy and physiology lecture and instead, gave up and took rum shots instead. i actually didn't, but i wanted to.

and then that week was done. break was done and i went back to school. this week has been reallysupercrazyfast and while i truly love teaching, i really loathe 5 am. and i loathe commuting after waking at 5 am even more- dangerous i tell you. i fell asleep sitting in my car in the parking lot when i got to school on tuesday. heat blasting. radio blaring. a full five minutes before i started myself awake and plunged into the cold winter air to wake my ass up so that i could change people lives with information about how their scent smelling cells (aka olfactory hairs/receptors on olfactory epithelial cells in the olfactory mucosa of the superior nasal cavity) are actually neurons that depolarize and directly transmit action potentials into the central nervous sysem... life changing, i tell you.
and then i raced home to see patients because some marketing genius who has blond hair, female parts and a name that starts with a 'j' thought january would be a good time for a back to health promotion and therefore a completely full schedule in the midst of getting back into school routine as well. but blessings abound my friends, i really am thankful for all the business/busy-ness. i am just very overwhelmed.

since i last checked in, we have had about 1,402 sibling fights, 1 snow storm, 1 amazing hiking day (in january!!), a few park afternoons (in january!!), a game night with friends, good food, and many many good intentions. i have had a handful of nervous breakdowns as is the custom for this time of year, as i don't get paid in january as an adjunct evil purple-haired stepchild of the higher education system and there was a weensy too much purchased christmas cheer. but overall- we are still kicking. and lovin'. i think 2013 is going to be just fine.

growing, growing, gone

if I being honest, N has spent most of the last two years on my last nerve, which is a testament to just how long a nerve can stretch... i adore him with my entire being but he is my child, and by default, he got a little bit of my crazy.

he trots off to the world of a school kid next week and i truly do not know how to walk him up those steps and deposit him into academia without me around to hold his hand and shake my head at his antics.
how will i be able to leave a little piece of heart in a classroom and acknowledge that the last five years are in fact, behind me? he is so small, but he was so much smaller.

in many ways i feel like i wasted so much of our time together. i specifically worked part-time to spend more hours at home with him and his sister. i had such high hopes for projects and day trips and teaching by example.

for months and years, we had time, time, time.
time to read stories the next day because too much work had to be done.
time to accept instead of correct.
time to mess up our parenting a zillion times without them remembering.
time to almost fantasize about when he was "older" or more "self-sufficient" or more "independent"...

damn it.
that time is now. and i can't help but feel i didn't have enough time.
i didn't lead a good enough example.
i didn't just enjoy it for what it was.

there is no amount of perfection that would be more than what he deserves and though i have certainly tried very hard to be a good mom, i can only hope that it was enough. i pray that he will be a well-adjusted little person that is respectful and kind, that can take criticism and direction. i pray that he uses that crazy strong will for leadership. most of all, i pray that he knows just how much i love every sweet, crabby, spirited and handsome fiber of his little self and that he feels that my thoughts are with him through the day.

i think there was at least time enough to teach him that.

add yet another issue to my file

do you ever feel like everyone is judging you?
i do on a very regular basis- maybe that makes me a narcissist or just paranoid. i am not sure but i wish you'd quit looking at me like that!

N recently started at the learning center of the college i teach at. it seems like it is going to work out pretty well for him, but i am not sure about me. the woman in charge is one of those people who seems super sweet and is really soft spoken and smiley and basically just meant to hang out with the kiddos because her adult social skills are a bit off. i think she is a judger. each time we speak, i feel like she wants to laugh at me for being such an idiot parent. i said that N was excited to come and has never been in a group setting. "mmmmhmmm" she mumbled with a sly smile and a nod while i heard "oh so i suppose you think you've been a good substitute for my impeccable learning cener, organized play and unlimited access to creative explorations".
seriously- she was thinking that- i just know these things. i am kind of a mind reading ninja.

it went on and on. for everything i said, she had an imaginary and silent retort for me. and so by the time i left our second meeting, she was on my list. BUT the center is great! and the teachers are great! and N is gonna love it- but that lady..... i just know she hates me.

well.
thursday was his first day. he was "pumped". his words, not mine :) he had a great day, i think. according to his teachers, he was the only one who didn't take a nap. he used the bathroom 17 times (it is a novelty with its short little toilet and sink). he was unhappy that his new best friend Bryan wouldn't share his dinosaur but he was happy with his day. he didn't want to come home. lady in charge gave me a sideways glance and acted shocked when i told her that N usually doesn't nap until 2 or 3 so again, i felt judged. it is tough work being such a crazy perfectionist.

and then there was today. i stopped in after my class just to see how things were going though i expected to leave and run some errands before coming back for him. BUT he wanted to come home since my mom was at our house. i wasn't going to tell him "no you have to stay at school" when the awesomeness that is his nana was hanging out at his house wating to shower him with fun and affection. so i took him out. apparently they don't like it when you remove them before the super special lunch comes. but seriously, why care?? i already paid for a whole day so let's not freak about having one less little person around for the afternoon. i mean, in the very least, we opened up the bathroom a bit for others to use. SHE gave me another one of those little faces and though i avoided showing her where N got his backtalking skills from, we did hightail it out of there.

and then it came to me suddenly on the drive home that though i marked NONE in the "allergy" section of his enrollment forms, N does in fact have a significant allergy issue with cow's milk! and by significant, i mean that he has been known to have his eyes swell shut.... that would certainly result in a frantic call to the incompetent parent who would have to pretend to be appalled and freaked out and sad to leave my job to retrieve the invalid. it gets better very fast so don't think i am being insensitive to his plight but honestly, HOW did i leave that off?? i guess we are just so used to giving him goat or rice or almond milk that it never occurred to me that other people kinda get theirs from a cow... especially in a daycare type environment. failure by me. point for ms. hannegan of the learning center.

we make it home. we play, we eat. we nap. we eat. we argue. we play outside. a good day overall and then....

and then, of course, N falls face freaking first into the ridiculous rock grotto that the previous owners built in our backyard (and that we haven't been able to pull from our yard lest we lose a bumper off our car or break a sledge hammer or something). he has a HUGE mark on his cheek and some new scratches. good thing it is almost a week until N has to make another appearance at school, or the meanish, super-nice faced, childlike voice lady would have me arrested for abuse.

and then who would buy my poor kid goat milk?

A (fake) snapshot of my life

N had a playdate this morning so it gave Miss A and I some sunny girl-time. I decided to just park and walk downtown in the little shops and thrift stores so as not to spend too much $$. She looked adorable in a new outfit and though my hair wasn't washed, my pants were clean and i had cute shoes on. From far away under my sunglasses, I "might" have passed for together :)
When we were done, I collapsed the stroller with one hand since the other was holding A, and tossed it in the back of my Escape, which was shockingly clean. Then I sat in the back seat and put her into her car seat as I simultaneously pulled the cardoor mostly closed with my foot. A though suddenly struck me- "I probably look like I am good at this mommy thing". I mean, there we were, mom and daughter out enjoying the day, effortlessly sliding into the car etc. etc. Then I smiled cause today is a fluke!!
Most days are more disheveled and intense with arguments, bargaining and stains and dropping things and crying babies and poop :/ In other words, appearances can be deceiving! Sometimes I think I have a pretty good handle on being a mom and usually about two seconds after that thought A pulls over an open cup of juice onto N's too worn DVDs and I am reminded that 1) we are not ready for big kid cups in the living room and 2) my kid probably watches too much tv.
BUT I try to remember that I am not alone and that the perfectly dressed and manicured mom had to have someone else watch the kids while she got that way. The perfectly behaved church kids probably even get yelled at when they are not in church too. Things are not always what they seem...
So no I am not perfect! I am constantly trying to be better and will never be the supermom I sometimes think I 'could' be, but every once in awhile, if I can fool the fellow moms at the park or the grocery store clerk, then that will keep me going :)

REAL photo #1

Real Photo #2

Real Photo #3