coke addicted models and such nonsense

sometimes, or almost every day, i am compelled to do something terrible. something i hope my children won't do. something so vulgar that i am embarrassed by my psychological need to do it. i am talking about coke.
classic.
i drink soda.
BAM- it is earth shattering is it not?!

i teach nutrition.
i have advanced degrees in the business of wellness.
i am a healthcare practitioner.
i know better. soda is probably the worst thing to drink. the major source of calories in the american diet is sugar in soda.

but it could be worse! it could be the other kind of coke is all i'm saying. that would be worse people.

i want it during my commutes- i am full on responding to the external ques we talked about in my nutrition lecture tonight. i almost can't help myself. but today, during my commute- i told my subconscious to back off and i pulled into a sonic, which i love. i really really love sonics. and i ordered an unsweetened iced tea.
TAKE THAT EXTERNAL QUE!

and then i waited.
and waited.
i guess they were brewing my tea...
and the order was delivered to the car in front of me.
and then i waited.
and looked in the rear view mirror and noticed that my hair was blowing wildly in the air conditioner stream making me look all victoria's secret beach shoot, except i was fully dressed in the car. and not heidi klum, of course, even after 14 kids. how does she do it?

and i waited some more
seriously sonic? you are making me second guess my choice. i am not excited about my tea like i would be for a frosty coca cola.
i looked back to the mirror and laughed.
and then i took out my camera phone and took  some pics of myself to send to my husband who i thought would find my pictures glamour shot funny.

more waiting....
and hello sonic person!

i confirmed my order, paid the server and was on my way.
i was still thinking about how long it took to get a simple drink and wondered how long it would have taken if i'd ordered something really complicated like tator tots or a slushie or something, when i reached for my cup and took my first sip.

and it was soda.

my subconscious backed the heck off alright and jumped right into the sonic worker who just knew that i wasn't in the mood for tea. my transplanted subconscious is that good. they delivered to me a 44 oz dr. pepper (i wish it had been coke for many reasons including the the sake of this long and unimportant story and because it's delicious) instead of the 32 oz tea.
that is the biggest external que i have ever seen...

but it's fine.
all models have their addictions after all.

lovely lovely ladies

once upon a time, we were allowed a rare night out... and it didn't disappoint.

i'm going to suggest one once a week ;)

and cannot possibly in any dimension be the only person who feels this way

i am not a skinny girl.

i am also not a fat girl.

i am normal, though in a world where normal is supposedly the goal, it frequently doesn't feel like that normal body is good enough... i am a 32 year old former dancer and current mother of two. the flexibility did come in handy during the childbearing "fun" though it seemed to leave soon after the last one. my flexibility and body tone seems to have been indirectly proportional to the amount of sleep i've lost- meaning the less accumulated sleep hours i achieve, the more out of shape i become. children are the central figure in both factors.
and yet, i am normal. i am a mom, just like so many others. and you know what moms need? a damn swimsuit that makes them feel like they look more like a female than a mutant shell of their former self. there will be a time when i feel like i can work on getting a body back but it is unfortunately not yet. and i hate a one piece swimsuit because my waist is so short that my boobs sprout directly out of my childbearing hips.
soooo i reach for the "tankini". therein lies another problem- they are either too long giving the apprearance of a crotch peaking out of a mini skirt or just short enough to end right above my mom pudge putting the emphasis on the wrong body syllable. so a regular two piece then? oh my my my. more issues!
i like my boobs. they have fed my children and though they have drooped considerably for their troubles, they can still be okay with some help. but they deserve support of the underwire kind! done are the days of covering those puppies with a triangle top or an unlined strip of fabric. i need a swimsuit BRA! when you think about it, it shouldn't be so hard to find a bra-kini. bras are made to cover and hold boobs, and maybe i am mistaken but swim tops should fall in that category, right?
but. they. don't.
they have little ties and tight bands that make your back fat bulge out and tiny pieces of fabric that are .5 seconds away from wardrobe malfunctions. i want to find a swimsuit top that looks and feels like my favorite maidenform bras, but i just can't find one for less than 100 bucks.

and even the bottoms are screwy. why so tight?
i can't be alone in not wanting a muffin top so why are all bottoms either granny panties or super low-rise, tight pieces that only look good on those crazy people with space between their thighs... i only know two people with the inner thigh space... the b****es!
i'm just kidding. your space is lovely, i am just jealous.
but seriously, the ONLY pair of somewhat flattering bottoms that i could find this year (to replace my beloved old black pair that i had worn for 8 years or something) were picked up in desperation. as i was passing the maternity section on the way to the dressing room at target, i spied a simple black pair of maternity bikini bottoms and thought, "i wonder..."

and wouldn't you know- no bulging! so i am now the proud owner of a size LARGE MATERNITY black bikini bottom and i am admitting it to the world on this blog. clearly the process of trying on tight swimsuits has damaged the circulation to my brain.
the fact that i had to buy them is just crazy. i am not fat, remember? i am normal and yet the only bottoms that suitably covered my ass were designed for someone carrying an entire second person in the bikini region. crazy i say.

if i am normal, then so are my boobs. so is my butt. and normal ladies my age though they would like to lay out on the beach, must often frolick on the sand with our crazy minions. and we'd like to do so with as little jiggling, bulging and indecent exposure citations as possible. swimsuit designers, please take note before we jump a wave with our babies and lose our minds along with our tops.

i'm gonna need you to repeat that, just to make sure i got all the wrongness correct in my head...

we are confined to the house, or at least an air-conditioned replacement locale. and as the children are, well, children, they need a constant source of entertainment to avoid behavior that makes me want to poke my eyes out.

i have been wanting to try out storytelling hour at the library for quite awhile. BUT it is on fridays and i almost always work on fridays so we haven't been yet, until today.
i live in a very small town, part hoosierville, part 'burb so though there is access to slews of artistic peoples, i wasn't sure if said peoples would make the drive to our little slice of errr... heaven. basically i didn't know what to expect so i just took N.
we rolled in and there were just a few other parents there and apparently there IS a major storyteller there every week, complete with an activity and abounding fun!! que my excitement!

except that applies to all other days but today.
wa wa wa waaaaaaahhh... :/

i picked the day where a very quiet librarian sat on the floor and just plain read. a very socially awkward librarian at that.
with no activity.
N just sorta looked at me like i was drunk at 10am and climbed on my lap to listen.

and wouldn't you know, we knew the people sitting next to us (small town, remember)... a very sad little toddler who wanted to be anywhere but there and his very well meaning grandmother. the little dude whimpered and cried through two books as i nodded in internal agreement with his misery and then grandma decided to take him out.

all the other mothers smiled in sympathy as she drug him out of the door, because seriously, TWO. who hasn't been there. and then suddenly, miss socially awkward librarian had to divulge that she had in fact never been there. and she said it.

"my children never did that"

[crickets]

really lady? never? your children never cried because they didn't want to do something when they were two years old? give me a freaking break! and if by some crazy remote chance, they really never did, it was certainly because they had your sparkling personality and had nothing exciting to share...

[crickets] sorry.

i feel kinship with mothers of all types, except for the self-righteous ones who get me a little worked up. unfortunately she didn't even realize that what she said was ridiculous and demeaning.
so she continued.

"i'm just lucky i guess"

yes, you are that lady. lucky that i don't send my little ninja up to roundhouse kick that boring book out of your hand and spice up this storytelling hour! good thing i have such good manners and that N and i have worked out when it is acceptable to kung-fu panda someone, which as he knows is only if "vampires or other bad people" are around. but take note dear librarian, next time we may counter your social awkwardness with some of our own.