wait october! please slow your roll.

i could just drive and drive for hours in this weather. i LOVE me some fall.

PS- I did pull over to take this picture :)

medicate me with kisses, please

okay.
well i'm over my little 'panties in a rumple' style snit of last night.
i got a good night's sleep and, no wait... i did not.

i was up with A for awhile last night because it seems that N passed on more than just her hand me down pajamas.
how generous.

and then after finally falling asleep again, N woke up in a coughing spell about 30 minutes before my alarm. and just like that- i am sleep deprived again.
but it's cool.  i am sleep deprived and content today.

sometimes those late nights in a rocking chair with a soft head of hair tucked under your chin give you some clarity. there is nothing wrong with being just mom. in fact, there is really no such thing, because to those little people, sometimes there IS just mom. only mom. when they cry out with runny little noises, it is me they want. and they don't care about all the things i used to be.

maybe this is all a little bipolar sounding. and in fact, that is exactly how i roll- i am nothing if not diverse. my three jobs are evidence of that. and today i have decided to focus on job #3, which really, truly is ALWAYS job #1, or more like the #1 job. i might hate this decision after the kids go to bed tonight, but i need a snuggle and play day. the work can wait.

but a shower- first i need a shower.

it could be worse (times a google)

this motherhood thing is some serious shit.
highs and lows and snot and farts and laughter.
and lots of crying.

tonight was one of those nights where i about lost my damn mind for no real reason. i mean, N was in full-on back talk mode and whining for 45 straight minutes about picking up the kiddy shopping cart worth of "groceries" that he upended into a pop up tent in my living room, but that is not unusual.

A was in a continual princess swoon all draped over my head and arms as i answered frantic student emails... an everyday thing. incidentally, why is it so impossible to catch the words that come out of my mouth 8 times in one class period, get underlined on the board and referenced in the syllabus...
seriously college people- wait until 'life' hits. no cliff notes for all this 'ish

general chaos. check. i got it.
mess. school prep. medicine. busy schedules. being stupid over budget for the past two months. single parenting during hubby's 75 different nightly AND weekend committments. allergen free food. allergen free body products. allergen free shopping bills. allergen free life. depression. two three very different jobs with very different sets of insane paperwork. midterms to grade. midterm grades. health scares. liabilities. no family anywhere close. high maintenance kids. high maintenance dog.
check. i got it.

i know it is nothing major. i know some of you have much more of the serious shit than me.
i. get. it.

we are blessed and lucky. i know. i am thankful. i ADORE these babies and this life.
but sometimes i still feel like i am going to explode if i have to do one more little thing like change a diaper or find a sna-aack. and i think that is okay.

sometimes the 'me' inside just wants a little attention.
she wants to know that someone remembers who she is- that even know right now, she is trying insanely hard to keep find her identity as a good mother, before this, she had another identity. 400 other identities even.

i miss her. maybe that sounds bad.
but i do. i miss the things she showed me and taught me and laughed at.
i love, love, love all the things that my kids show me and teach me and make me laugh at, but i still miss my old inner me. from the second i became mom, my 'me' took one hell of a crayon covered and cracker crumb encrusted back seat.

i wonder if she'll ever crawl out and shower off.

anyone want to pick up homework for us?

little man sick days now go something like this:

my brain already deciding when i fall asleep at midnight that the insane barking cough eminating from his body all. night. long. is rotten enough to keep him from school for a day of rest, fluids, vitamins and chiropractic adjustments... after all, monday is my "off day" so we might as well nip this thing today.

alarm STILL must go off in the dark because i have to look responsible enough to wake him up and find out that indeed, he does feel puny.

after waking, i stumble in and feel N's head (cool) and listen to his lungs (rattle-y). he rolls sleepily toward me and says "bomb, i don't feel so good" which enforces what i already knew when his rasping and hacking woke me at 3 am. he snuggles into me and then coughs straight into my face. i decide that would be a good time to call the school. but now he is awake (at 6:30am) and wants... breakfast?? hmmm- not too bad then, but the breathing. i don't know- i'll give him a breathing treatment.

i carry him downstairs at his request and get him set up in a comfy chair with a blanket, the space heater and his trusty nebulizer. i brew up some green tea with lemon and honey and load him up with our trusty immune system vitamins... he's droopy and sniffle-y and wants to snuggle. i give in and call school.

it is now 3 hours later.

i am BEGGING him to lay down and rest. he is not coughing. he is not whining. i blew up the air mattress to make laziness seem extra hip and both kids think we are in a freaking trampoline center. i don't remember my sick days looking like this, then again, since it has been years since i took a genuine sick day, maybe my memory is rusty.

Ten on Ten [10.10.12]

one picture on the hour for ten hours...
linking up with the fantastic a bit of sunshine for the ten on ten project

 

don't count... i might be one short ;)

maaaaaaaax

i was just sitting here in the chair watching A eat her lunch in a highchair in front of the tv. go ahead and judge me but sometimes when you have a shit-ton on your plate 490 tests to write and presentations to revamp, etc. etc. etc. you just gotta do what works. the show is max and ruby so i feel like that is probably penance enough for me. this show.
where is the momma rabbit?
ruby is 8 years old, tops, but she is always in charge. bathing max, feeding him breakfast, building dioramas. quite the precocious bunny i must say, even if her whiney voice makes me cringe.
anyway.
so i was sitting. then i heard the telltale sound of a pot boiling over on the stove- i was heating water over two measly eggs- so i jumped up to run to the kitchen. in doing so i stepped over a pile of dress-up jewelry and a stool, around a trunk set up as N's "desk", stepped on a dvd, tripped over the space heater and sorta fell/jumped up into the kitchen.
that's really all to the story- not very exciting but very illustrative. my house is trashed, i have patients after N gets home from school, i am behind in grading, prep and paperwork, i haven't eaten and my kid is watching cartoons. my husband has been gone almost every evening for the past 3 weeks and i am feeling overwhelmed as usual. and i just don't feel like doing anything but snuggle the kids and read... am i starting the annual hibernation?
maybe i should call ruby. she'd know what to do.

"Now, this'll be a straight walk-off, old school rules"

last weekend i got to spend some quality time with my very dashing husband! it was a wedding weekend for friends and we were invited on the "party bus" because they didn't get the memo that we are thirty-something and incapable of looking anything but tired when we drink more than two glasses of wine...

luckily we took all the pictures before that, or at least during.

i am a fan of being a tourist at home so it was really great to stroll through the City Garden and be inspired to create works of photographic art that would give Zoolander and his blue steel a serious run for his money.

 

unfortunately my shoe makers didn't get the memo that a sole is supposed to be wide enough to keep your pinky toe from sliding off to be held sling-like by the pleather of your sling-backs and my poor poor feet lost feeling somewhere around the Pinocchio statue.

 

Ignore the corsage- when you sing a wedding you get to pretend it's prom

 

but because i am a trooper, and because the shoes looked fabulous, i pressed on. i will walk in any shoes to get a day away with my husband!

plus... wedding cake.

and just for kicks, i thought i'd link up with Harper's Happenings for Steppin' Out Saturday even though i posted this on a day that was NOT saturday. but hey, the actual stepping out is so fleeting these days so...

On Me-
Dress: Old (Dillards) - Shoes: Old (don't even remember where they are from) - Purse: Old (Payless)
good thing these things were in my closet because i FORGOT to get my beautious and thrifted 'planned on wearing dress' altered. i am 96% certain that i will never throw this dress out because it has both polka dots AND pockets, which is exactly what every 80 year old woman still needs.

On Him-
Shirt: American Living - Tie: Tommy Hilfiger - Pants: Dockers - Shoes: Sperry

who let the dogs out?

woo! what a busy couple of weeks- i almost wish that my laptop was hardwired to my brain so that all these blog posts in my head would just leap right on. besides all the day to day crazy, i have spent a few days in chicago celebrating a soon-to-be-bride who is also one of my greatest buddies, almost lost a voice, got it back in time to sing a wedding, attended said wedding festivities, had one very 'interesting' encounter at the park (that i sat down to blog about and never pushed post) and took my kids to a meth house.

wait, what?

no. it maybe was not a meth house and we didn't go in. but we did go on the front porch to return two lost puppies with the address on their tags. the very young yet tatted up woman that answered the door in her backwards trucker hat began to say she was going to "beat the sh* (STOP i have two children on your porch) out of.... "

out of who trashy mctrashersons?
the dogs for wandering out of your yard, whoever left your back gate open?

and then there's me who actually scolded someone at their own house for saying offensive things in front of my children who have no doubt heard worse.
then she didn't even say thank you (the horror, not whore- i know nothing of her sexual activities) so she wins for the worst manners. but she has some damn cute little dogs :/

oh small town life. everyone is all sandwiched together in town whether you want a rusted out beater truck in your backyard or not... i mean, who needs to mow their lawn. or wear something over your wife beater??

anyway- she could be a very good pet owner. the good Lord knows that as hard as we try to be competent, things like this still happen.

so now i'm off to deliver this aquarium to the meth house- colten the fish has a much better chance of survival there.