Saturday, July 30, 2011

so maybe that is a topic we should broach

I may have mentioned that I am schooled (for a thousand years) as a chiropractor and practice VERY part-time out the house. I am grateful for the education and point of view and it is great to be able to help my family and friends on the spot, but sometimes I forget that I am not just a mommy. As if there is such a thing as "just" a mommy.

My children don't get adjusted nearly enough unlike my husband who is a chiropractic junkie in need of a sudden fix. It usually occurs right after i have crawled into my cozy bed for the night...
It is my job, you know? I mean, it is a lifestyle too and since I end up working practically free most of the time, maybe I should refer to it as a hobby, but it is still my job. Most of you try not to take work home, I am sure, but mine is always here for better or for worse.
Anyway, so I don't work on my kids enough, I simply don't think about it. Usually only if they get sick do I realize I have neglected them and try to put their little bods back together. BUT, the times that i do, N LOVES it- he asks me to adjust him all the time like a little daddy-in-training and he wants to adjust me too. This involves me face down on the table with some blocks under my pelvis as he runs around the table lifting my legs up in turn and then pulling my head side to side making "crich crich" sounds :) It is pretty funny. I have even been known to encourage because at least I get a pseudo back scratch and if I am lucky, he might even walk on me! The chiropractor is usually the one who needs the work the most but we can't reach ourselves.

Then today I got a surprise adjustment.... to my butt. It turns out that maybe I should explain how we don't randomly adjust other people's behinds. To him, it is nothing because one of the best adjustments for a sick kid is to the sacrum- you know, that triangle shaped bone that dips down the butt crack?? I have adjusted next to that butt crack since he was born, but when your four year old almost sticks his thumb up your heiny, it takes on a totally different tone! Maybe now I know why our play date mom  insists that her son not play "doctor"---- I just thought she was worried that someday I would grab her kid and adjust him cause I thought he needed it (of course I would never do that) but now I worry that N has done this before. A "butt adjustment" out of context may be a little shocking.....

Additional fun fact: Apparently you can spell heiny is several ways and all are acceptable though none are in the dictionary (or spell check :) You're welcome.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

i should have just jumped in the car with the roadside assistance guy

perhaps the total tire blow out on the way to the cardinal game was an omen. if you shred the tire on the interstate, just cancel your evening plans because i assure you that even if you think positively and be thankful that "at least i wasn't by myself", "at least we weren't on vacation", "at least we aren't in the ghetto" etc. the rest of the night is already shot to crap.
it is predestination at its greatest.
but i will get to that.

two days ago, aaron asked the very benign question, "you wanna go to the game on wednesday?" and without hesitation, i agreed. he has two standing free tickets to almost all the games, which is admittedly a very great perk of being a high school baseball coach. we are still coming down off of the child induced insanity of road trip 2011 so i figured we could both use a night of togetherness and maybe beer, even though it feels like the depths of hades outside. (it seriously does by the way- this is the 7th 100 degree+ day this month)
who would have thought he meant ALL of us? because truly, what kind of masochist takes two squirming whiners to a game to warm your lap to a balmy 900 degrees?? that would be us folks- turns out, for this very special occasion, he had four tickets- woot woot!

so anyway. we got ready for the game- and i briefly questioned my decision to wear white shorts to a game with my children but moved past it because a) i like to live dangerously and b) they are my longest pair and will allow me to avoid the disgusting sweat slicked seat scenario....

then we left. all went well until the tire situation. i will say again- thank goodness i was not alone! though i feel confident in my tire changing abilities, my car is a different story- you should really have to pass a test to own it because it was unlike anything i have ever seen before! aaron is a rockstar tire changer and car pusher and overall damsel in distress rescuer so i left him to his own devices as N asked me about 460 times, what was going on and if we would be late for the game as if that would be a bad thing. as soon as the last thingamajigger was tightened, roadside assistance showed up and assisted aaron in deciding that the spare needed a little more air. phew- crisis averted. back on the road.

fast forward to the game. our tickets were at will-call and we had to walk all the way around the stadium to retrieve them which frankly was like crossing the river styxx to descend into hell. as soon as we were seated (good free seats actually so thanks for that) N had to poop and A decided she had to eat the cracker jacks that belonged to the nice family next door. thus began the up-down, sit-stand, eat-spill cycle that is america's favorite pastime kid edition. i still do not know who won the game.

at one point the little girl behind us offered suckers to both my kids- though they were sweet pacifiers, A was completely covered in sticky by the time i ripped it from her hands. to make it interesting, we also had a giant tantrum over ice cream, pooped our pants and puked on mommy... i will let you decide who did what, but none of them were me. eventually we kinda ran away from the stadium to avoid dropping the kids off at will-call to say thanks for the tickets. aaron mentioned it being the worst game experience ever but honestly it is not so different from the last time so i guess we'll never learn. some disgustingly marred articles of clothing MAY have been left in various bathroom trash cans but miraculously my white shorts are still unscathed- take that universe!

N's "gesture" which is actually the way he points :/ really truly!

Monday, July 25, 2011

Magic Moments- SuperMomma Birthday Edition

So we just got back from a trip (more on THAT brand of madness later) and I have a bunch of moments I could focus on for today, but then I received an email from my mom. The message simply said "for your blog" and this was the attachment:
         Please note the stellar picture composition, the fish gazing hungrily out of the bowl and the biggest piece of shit cake ever to be baked... ever
THIS ladies and gentlemen, is an angel food cake, "baked" in a UNGREASED non-angel food cake bundt pan after overflowing into my mom's clean oven. It was baked by the very talented me, who incidentally is a pretty darn good cooker (as my son calls me). Baking is clearly not my strong suit.

Saturday was my mom's 22nd birthday :) She is the best momma ever! Thoughtful and understanding with a sense of humor to boot, she is one of the strongest, most patient and pleasantly scatterbrained people I know and this junk is all I gave her because the stupid Birthday present store didn't have what I wanted for her- but don't fret mom- it IS coming!!

We were able to be in town for her big day and me being the sweet daughter I am, dropped my kids off for her to babysit while I ran around with some college friends..... I know, right? Terrible but a super fun night begging for a blog post- I digress. So since I bailed on her and left her with my crazies and a bunk bundt, the least I can do is give her a big ole blog shout out.
So here goes ::cracks knuckles::

My mom, Judy, is kinda like a best friend, but it is more than that because no matter what, she doesn't ever pick at my faults or share my feelings with others, even when friends might. (She simply knows better, because I probably picked up most of my crazy from her ;) Anyway, because she is awesome, sometimes she gets the shaft- sometimes I feel that I have to put her and her feelings after others because she understands, because she knows she is my number one. And even though that is life, that is also kinda unacceptable.
There was a time when her body tried to leave me, actually a bunch of times in a row. Maybe she realized that we needed her too much, or that I was way too cool to ditch, or maybe incredible heroic medicine and the good Lord intervened- probably all of the above. The point is, her amazing spirit won out and she is still here with me to share my joys and listen to my rants and wipe my tears. And that is a great great thing because no one quite understands both your pain and your triumphs like your mother.
I pray that eventually I can grow to be the type of mother she is. She has surely led by example but I feel a little behind on this learning curve, especially in the patience department.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!! I love you so much more than that sorry excuse for a cake implies.

PS- I blame your DNA for the baking skills ;)

Friday, July 22, 2011

Rockin his birthday lollipop

This kid,
Is pure sass and energy.
He is sunshine and fury.
He is love and pure frustration.
This kid is humor and giggles.
The most brilliant young mind I've met but the craziest old soul.
He is wonder and memories and an excuse to be best.
He is four.
This kid is mine.

With his new bike helmet and backpack :)

Happy Birthday Little Fella- thank you for making me a mommy!

Sunday, July 17, 2011

let's just say the US National Team has not come calling

I make grand plans.
Every once and awhile, they really come together but sometimes, not so much.

A friend of mine just mentioned on facebook that she was starting the Couch to 5K  training program and this blog post is what my response to her would have been if I could put obnoxiously long statements in the "comment" box.
I wanted to say "YEAH! Count me in" because secretly I have always wanted to be that cute little jogger bopping effortlessly down the road with my ponytail and my Ipod and the running short clad tight a$$.... but that is just. not. me.

I was a gymnast- well first I was a dancer and then a gymnast and then I returned to dancing but that is not important. Gymnasts are programmed for speed and quick bursts of energy, not for long-term running so you see, my muscles are all "fast-twitch" (there is your physiology lesson for the day- you are welcome) and therefore I am destined to not run.
:) I think the argument is scientifically sound, even if I have not been that little tumbler for quite some time.

So anyway- I could have agreed to take part in the program because support is good, right? Maybe if I committed to running with other people, my perfectionist tendencies would kick in and I would vow to not be outdone..... but all I could think of was what happened "last time".
I am a good wife. At least I think so and hopefully my husband agrees, and I don't care much if anyone else thinks so. Aaron has mentioned multiple times how it would be so "fun" if he and I could go running together. Cast all the potential logistical problems with babysitters and schedules aside as well as the fact that we could bike together too but haven't since before N was born. Isn't it sweet? We could be that envied Ipod clad, tight-a$$ed running COUPLE if only the old broken wife would get off her tail!

So I decided to start running and I didn't tell him. I was going to surprise him and sign us up for a 5k together because he (the bastard) IS a runner. Let the enormity of this ruse sink in for a minute..... ME running.... plus, this scenario is nearly impossible to pull off. I am home with the kids two full days a week and on the other three days, I work- sometimes in the house and sometimes out. How do you incorporate a running regime into that madness without telling your partner??
Well, the answer is, you don't. I ran for the first two weeks of the program.

My name is Jo and I am a quitter.
It was an uphill battle- one day I actually ran INSIDE the house because it was literally pouring rain for an entire week. This would be fine if we had a treadmill, but we don't! I was sore for three days because ankles don't like to run in tight circles for 20 minutes. Any neighbors seeing me zip past the window 78 times in a few minutes would have to wonder what the hell I was running from.... surely if I were escaping from robbers or ghosties I would leave the house, right? I was laughing at the hilarity of it but determined to succeed.
The next running day was outside. We live among some hills. And when I say hills, I mean it- our area is not flat AT ALL. So I did like any veteran runner would do and ran willy nilly through the town avoiding the large inclines. Unfortunately, I kept coming up on this freaking street cleaner...... He just kept finding my street and blowing huge quantities of debris and dust up in the precious air (that I may or may not have been gasping for) and I was getting seriously mad!! Finally as he turned down my street for the 6,000th time I just gave up. I turned around and walked home. And that was the end.

I blame the weather and the unnaturally clean city streets, but I am still not a runner. The 5k came and went without us and I never told my husband (we'll see if he reads my blog). So I guess he'll just have to be satisfied with the broken down me- I don't have an Ipod anyway!

Friday, July 15, 2011

these snooty little rich girls have nothing on me

 I haven't posted anything since Monday so you probably think I have been lying around eating bon-bons or something... not so much the case. In addition to recovering from the (overdramaticized) canoe swamping heard round the world), I have been crazily finishing off my last week of summer session and am now a happy professor on summer sabbatical.... or maybe just a six week break before fall semester kicks in. I think sabbatical sounds much more impressive, like I am a full-time, life-changing, mind-stretching dead poet society type.
But no, despite the impressive use of hyphenated words, I spend many more hours on facebook than in the classroom. I eat cheap fake Mexican, wash my hair in 8.5 seconds and wipe stinky butts.
I am just a mother.
But I think I was meant to be an heiress. Probably still a mother, but also an heiress.
All day today I have been  sucked into pinterest and the thousand party and style blogs I frequent and all that did was reinforce that I would be really good at spending money for a living. I would throw mean dinner parties and clambakes and shop vintage and designer and then I'd travel. And shop. And go to the park with my kids. And shop. And I think I would still cook for the fam because I am just a little bit  "next food network star" but I would only shop at great local markets and order free-trade chocolates off of the internet.
So parents, today I am just a little pissed that you don't own a hotel chain because I would really like to extend my sabbatical into a permanent position. But I would settle for spending other people's money so if anyone wants to take me up on that I will let you pseudo-adopt me- unless you have real heiresses for children- I don't want to have to share closet space.

Monday, July 11, 2011

if you are baking in a boat, just bail out and swim for it

Sunday was the quintessential long day.
we busted out of the house for a float trip. just my husband and i and twenty(ish) drunkards. who knew just how canoe capable one can be after a 12 pack and no breakfast?? i am not speaking of myself btw as i only enjoyed one frosty summer drink before losing the rest to the river gods (story forthcoming).
it was supposed to be a simple three to four hour float followed by a bar-bq. for those of you who live nowhere close to Missouri, floating is THE summer activity, though i must be out of the loop because i had never experienced it [the joy] before... however...

does the word FLOAT not paint a picture of relaxation? just sitting back with a drink and letting the beautiful scenery float by??


this "float trip" was instead a 6 hour canoe trip, paddling continuously, endlessly, infinitely in Dante's inferno.
yesterday's heat index was 704 degrees.
we steamed like poor little mussels in a pot of grimy water.

the trip miraculously became longer and longer each time we heard from our host so when we showed up to cast off, it was a totally different route than we had planned on. the only kicking back occurred for approximately 6 minutes as i lounged in the center of an oven baked canoe, taking a break from my front paddling perch. then one of our occupants grabbed a low lying branch and the boat dumped us arse-over-end into the river.

no harm no foul, right? except the river decided to make it interesting and chose that exact spot to place a fallen tree and snarly branch pile that we ended up pinned to. do you KNOW how freaking hard the current flows against a solid mass of wood?! so there MAY have been slow motion and life flashing before one's eyes or maybe not, but we eventually all freed ourselves and the canoe with the help of 4 or 5 other (suddenly very capable and sober) people. drinking and boating should not go together-- i was not even slightly tipsy and still felt like i almost died.
i exaggerate.
but honestly, only slightly. i mean, my husband is basically superman so he could stand neck deep in a raging current and still lift the cooler out of the canoe to nest it in the tree- save the beer honey... meanwhile, i am clinging sloth-like to a random branch without my 90 dollar keen river sandals (that i had literally just taken off prior to capsizing so i could rinse off the mud- what are the odds?) i had to pull out some mad forgotten gymnastic skills to swing up on top of the mass and with pumping adrenaline leap to "safety".

you know you are desperate for a day out when you are willing to channel Meryl Streep in The River Wild sans white water, rafts and a crazed Kevin Bacon of course.

but "don't cry for me Argentina", there are contributors to that shiny silver lining on the day. even though the cooler opened just enough to spill out my rum and my coke and leaving everyone else's drinks unscathed, and we lost our towels and sunscreen, my lost shoes were retrieved!! my arms got a good workout. my tan was refreshed. we even made it home before dark. and most importantly, the law of six degrees of Kevin Bacon is still intact because now i am a river goddess comparable to Meryl Streep who was once in a movie with him. we are practically siblings.
rolling on the river...... pre-spillage

Friday, July 8, 2011

it's a thursday so that means i have a collection of randomness to share

i feel the need for a major blog overhaul.
i mean, i have learned so very much about it in the last 7 months but now i only know enough to recognize that i am NOT where i want to be....
i need a new look and some fresh ideas-
i want to be a tad more organized and on the ball about posting-
i am mulling around the concept of adding ads-
hmmmm. what to do- what to do??
any of you awesome veteran blogger extraordinaires have thoughts on the matter?

in other news. it was disgusting outside today- the humidity was about 600% and i am not joking. i met some of my besties from college in the park and we would have spontaneously combusted in the heat had the air been a little less moist wet. (side note: i know i am not the only one who hates the word moist)
but balminess aside- what a great day- how i miss those ladies. it is much harder to recount our awesome college stories in the presence of the sponges we call children, but my heart feels a little lighter after my day with them. it seems IMPOSSIBLE that we graduated almost ten years ago. eeeeeek!

and that brings me to other other news-- today N asked me why i had roads on my forehead..... yep- ROADS. apparently i carry that worried raised eyebrow appearance around a little too often. if i didn't regularly teach college students about the horror of bacterial toxins, i might be tempted to botox those roads into oblivion......
no probably not even then-- i'd just be worried about paying for it and they would come right back. but seriously- botox is botulism toxin that parlayzes your facial muscles- what what??!?!

i guess i am gonna need to invest in more college throwback days like today to keep me young!

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Magic Moments: Happy Birthday America Edition

So I may be a day behind but I'll use the old yesterday was a major holiday excuse... And what a great holiday it was :) My hometown had the 4th of July celebration at the Veteran's Home instead of the usual riverfront festivities and it was such a nice change--- seems even more meaningful with all the vets around.

I just love impromptu red, white and blue photo shoots :)

Saturday, July 2, 2011

cause i have a pretty good memory and all

Snuggling my babies last year before the "madness" began

this was one of those weeks where nearly every minute you think you will explode before the next minute arrives- i was crazy busy and tired with loads on my mind and my son had an attitude that simply would not stop. when the phone rang at 3:30 on friday, i was 80% sure it was protective services calling to retrieve my kids from a war zone, because that is what it sounded like with his (and unfortunately my)yelling. The other 20 % chance was the hospital calling to tell me that we did indeed take home a movie-like demon spawn nearly four years ago..... oh that is horrible!! i should not joke like that, but seriously if i do not have my sense of humor, i do not have my sanity. anyway, it was one heck of a week.
i am so angry at myself for fighting back- you can't "win" those arguments so why do i even bother?? i am really really (really really really really really) trying to be patient and consistent and positive but there are moments when i truly feel like i am losing my mind waiting for this stage to pass. and i know, i know- don't wish it away- i got it. but try reminding me that when all H.E.double hockey sticks is breaking loose, not when my sweet children are away for the night hanging with grandma. i am alone tonight and it is blissful but i find myself thinking about those kids nearly the entire time. i just spent some time with my cousin and her new baby and all that came to mind in my stories were good ones- snuggling with them on my chest, giving first baths and kissing away tears, reading stories and playing on swings. not once did my mind's eye go to visions of N slamming his door 10 times in a row and telling me i am "ridiculous" when i send him to his room or A squirming mercilessly away from me as i spend 10 minutes trying to change her clothes..... that's gotta count for something, right?
i can work on ME but they, each in their own very distinct and sometimes frustrating stages are perfect special just the way they are.

N in the papasan with a large portion of his toybox
A in the laundry room, in daddy's shoes with a corn cob...
My silly darlings!