Tuesday, October 16, 2012

it could be worse (times a google)

this motherhood thing is some serious shit.
highs and lows and snot and farts and laughter.
and lots of crying.

tonight was one of those nights where i about lost my damn mind for no real reason. i mean, N was in full-on back talk mode and whining for 45 straight minutes about picking up the kiddy shopping cart worth of "groceries" that he upended into a pop up tent in my living room, but that is not unusual.

A was in a continual princess swoon all draped over my head and arms as i answered frantic student emails... an everyday thing. incidentally, why is it so impossible to catch the words that come out of my mouth 8 times in one class period, get underlined on the board and referenced in the syllabus...
seriously college people- wait until 'life' hits. no cliff notes for all this 'ish

general chaos. check. i got it.
mess. school prep. medicine. busy schedules. being stupid over budget for the past two months. single parenting during hubby's 75 different nightly AND weekend committments. allergen free food. allergen free body products. allergen free shopping bills. allergen free life. depression. two three very different jobs with very different sets of insane paperwork. midterms to grade. midterm grades. health scares. liabilities. no family anywhere close. high maintenance kids. high maintenance dog.
check. i got it.

i know it is nothing major. i know some of you have much more of the serious shit than me.
i. get. it.

we are blessed and lucky. i know. i am thankful. i ADORE these babies and this life.
but sometimes i still feel like i am going to explode if i have to do one more little thing like change a diaper or find a sna-aack. and i think that is okay.

sometimes the 'me' inside just wants a little attention.
she wants to know that someone remembers who she is- that even know right now, she is trying insanely hard to keep find her identity as a good mother, before this, she had another identity. 400 other identities even.

i miss her. maybe that sounds bad.
but i do. i miss the things she showed me and taught me and laughed at.
i love, love, love all the things that my kids show me and teach me and make me laugh at, but i still miss my old inner me. from the second i became mom, my 'me' took one hell of a crayon covered and cracker crumb encrusted back seat.

i wonder if she'll ever crawl out and shower off.

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