i'm no kate upton

so my assets are not what they used to be.
it's a given after the two kids. maybe someday after i know i am done stretching out my entire midsection, i will give serious thought to making it pretty again, but it seems like an awful lot of work to just go mess it all up again if i am re-impregnated.
the boobs?
well i  think i am screwed there- i really miss my pre-nursing boobs even though i am proud of the ladies doing their job.
but my "lower half" definitely spared better than the top half, at least the parts that weren't directly exposed to an emergent crying alien ( i won't even go there, but seriously, the post-baby private part situation is something no one warns you about). anyway, my butt is reasonably okay still and i think A likes it because he swats it quite often in passing.

that is so flirtatious, right? i think i broke up with my first boyfriend at age 11and after 1 day of our serious relationship because he did that.

 

so i assume that maybe i can use his butt admiration to my advantage and acentuate the positive from time to time in the single pair of leggings that i own. i bought them almost a full year ago and  i wear them around the house with the frequency at which i wear any of my other comfy pants. i don't even cover them with major sweathsirt action.

i can be flirtatious too you know.

so.
last night i was wearing them and A asked me "when did you buy those pants?"
did you catch that? he has NEVER NOTICED ME WEARING THEM BEFORE.
so much for emphasizing the booty. it has escaped notice for A WHOLE YEAR.

psssht. i don't even know what to think now. there is nothing else to emphasize.

all you need is love... and a hose

and i said to myself, "self- what's with the lack of posting?"
i need to drag my drawers back to the blogosphere before these children grow up without proper documenatation! <------ that is my favorite typo in awhile so it is staying.

we have been so busy with a week of family and friends and more family and more friends from far and wide. i heart summer, even though it will be 102 here tomorrow and i still look pastey and visibly cringe at the words bathing and suit. but they never seem to notice any of those things ;)

pass me that sprinkler

let's just say the US National Team has not come calling

I make grand plans.
Every once and awhile, they really come together but sometimes, not so much.

A friend of mine just mentioned on facebook that she was starting the Couch to 5K  training program and this blog post is what my response to her would have been if I could put obnoxiously long statements in the "comment" box.
I wanted to say "YEAH! Count me in" because secretly I have always wanted to be that cute little jogger bopping effortlessly down the road with my ponytail and my Ipod and the running short clad tight a$$.... but that is just. not. me.

I was a gymnast- well first I was a dancer and then a gymnast and then I returned to dancing but that is not important. Gymnasts are programmed for speed and quick bursts of energy, not for long-term running so you see, my muscles are all "fast-twitch" (there is your physiology lesson for the day- you are welcome) and therefore I am destined to not run.
:) I think the argument is scientifically sound, even if I have not been that little tumbler for quite some time.

So anyway- I could have agreed to take part in the program because support is good, right? Maybe if I committed to running with other people, my perfectionist tendencies would kick in and I would vow to not be outdone..... but all I could think of was what happened "last time".
I am a good wife. At least I think so and hopefully my husband agrees, and I don't care much if anyone else thinks so. Aaron has mentioned multiple times how it would be so "fun" if he and I could go running together. Cast all the potential logistical problems with babysitters and schedules aside as well as the fact that we could bike together too but haven't since before N was born. Isn't it sweet? We could be that envied Ipod clad, tight-a$$ed running COUPLE if only the old broken wife would get off her tail!

So I decided to start running and I didn't tell him. I was going to surprise him and sign us up for a 5k together because he (the bastard) IS a runner. Let the enormity of this ruse sink in for a minute..... ME running.... plus, this scenario is nearly impossible to pull off. I am home with the kids two full days a week and on the other three days, I work- sometimes in the house and sometimes out. How do you incorporate a running regime into that madness without telling your partner??
Well, the answer is, you don't. I ran for the first two weeks of the program.

My name is Jo and I am a quitter.
Sigh.
It was an uphill battle- one day I actually ran INSIDE the house because it was literally pouring rain for an entire week. This would be fine if we had a treadmill, but we don't! I was sore for three days because ankles don't like to run in tight circles for 20 minutes. Any neighbors seeing me zip past the window 78 times in a few minutes would have to wonder what the hell I was running from.... surely if I were escaping from robbers or ghosties I would leave the house, right? I was laughing at the hilarity of it but determined to succeed.
The next running day was outside. We live among some hills. And when I say hills, I mean it- our area is not flat AT ALL. So I did like any veteran runner would do and ran willy nilly through the town avoiding the large inclines. Unfortunately, I kept coming up on this freaking street cleaner...... He just kept finding my street and blowing huge quantities of debris and dust up in the precious air (that I may or may not have been gasping for) and I was getting seriously mad!! Finally as he turned down my street for the 6,000th time I just gave up. I turned around and walked home. And that was the end.

I blame the weather and the unnaturally clean city streets, but I am still not a runner. The 5k came and went without us and I never told my husband (we'll see if he reads my blog). So I guess he'll just have to be satisfied with the broken down me- I don't have an Ipod anyway!

good thing my uber-coolness makes up for these things

today i wore THOSE shoes. i was pretty excited when i pulled them from the dark recesses of my closet where they had been in exile. i totally forgot about them- they are cute little open toe wedges. and they are denim- all good things. unfortunately they match about two things in my closet, which seems odd since jeans go with everything if they are on my rear, why not on my feet too? anyway- i finally found an outfit that worked and my husband even said the i was p.h.a.t. when i left the house- he really said that. at first, i thought he said fab and being a compliment from a handsome man, i would take either.
so those shoes- it took about five minutes to remember why they had been stowed away for so long- they freaking kill my feet. it makes zero sense- they are a low wedge and they seem comfy enough at first step. i didn't even have to lecture, just sit at my desk and give an exam so no big deal- i left them on.
and then when i was walking down the steps into the building, one of them FELL OFF- my shoe flat out fell off. i am not new to walking- in fact, i am known to many as a former dancer and can in fact be pretty coordinated. i thought maybe it was a fluke until the other shoe fell off mid step- what the hell? are the damn things possessed? did the spirits leave my house for asylum in my shoes (my house is supposed to be haunted... remind me sometime to post about the random lady who showed up at my door asking me if i needed help dealing with my "spirits"- true story/another post).
so by then i am totally paranoid that i am going to fall at every other step and the ones between i am wincing in pain. screw these stupid, deceivingly comfortable at first, cute little devil shoes! once i am seated, the hour passes uneventfully- i almost forget about them.
then it is time to go- i lose the left shoe AGAIN coming down the steps and then.... i am walking through a CROWD of students and get a full-on SHOE FLOP....... do you know what a shoe flop is? we coined the term in college for when the edge of your shoe catches the pavement wrong and your entire ankle flops sideways.... this is coincidentally the last time these shoes were probably worn. my best friend once shoe flopped right into a light pole and we were sober- another true story. when you shoe flop- there is an unspoken rule that you have to turn around and pretend to look at the huge crevice that you stepped in. and i did. i glared at that 2mm crack in the pavement like it actually broke my mamma's back! luckily, i am quite suave and i am sure that i made the shoe flop look cool.....

the shoes carried me safely home without further incident, but i am blistered and wondering HOW i was able to dance in those things at one time (the memories of that came rushing back post-shoe flop so maybe i uncovered some unconscious denim wedge animosity). they are now banished again to the island of misfit shoes until a day that i just have to stand and be eye candy.

happy birthday blah blah blah

today is my birthday. i LOVE birthdays- any holiday really but so far i am not a huge fan of today.

it has not been the greatest of days and honestly i don't see it getting too terribly better. my husband is out of town with the baseball gods again (can't wait till the season ends next week), we are in our "broke week" (the last few days before payday) and i am now IN my thirties, not thirty but thirty one.

i know age is just a number and in realtity i probably still look about 18 years old, at least that is what my college students, colleagues, and patients tell me, but i know things that they don't---- like what my skin looks like under my miracle mineral powder and in general, what i look like naked.

for some reason, i noticed just how bad breastfeeding has zapped my boobs- how have i missed this?!?! it crept in slowly and now my girls are sitting lowly (ha- my attempt at humor today). of course i would NEVER take it back and i am still nursing A and i am sure we have more future babies out there. when the next one comes, i am fairly sure i will be able to nurse them while in the front seat of the car- and he or she in the back...... a sad day for one who had "porn star" boobs according to my college girlfriends. oh those were the days ;) thirty was far away, i had a much narrower midsection, my boobs were much higher and i had plenty of time to take care of myself.

the one thing i did not have was facebook and that is about the only thing that is making today partly sunny. so thank you facebook friends for all the birthday wishes. my body is crap and my attitude worse, but at least i have lots of things posted on my wall! now back to work, it may be my birthday but it is still a regular day.