this was one of those weeks where nearly every minute you think you will explode before the next minute arrives- i was crazy busy and tired with loads on my mind and my son had an attitude that simply would not stop. when the phone rang at 3:30 on friday, i was 80% sure it was protective services calling to retrieve my kids from a war zone, because that is what it sounded like with his (and unfortunately my)yelling. The other 20 % chance was the hospital calling to tell me that we did indeed take home a movie-like demon spawn nearly four years ago..... oh that is horrible!! i should not joke like that, but seriously if i do not have my sense of humor, i do not have my sanity. anyway, it was one heck of a week.
i am so angry at myself for fighting back- you can't "win" those arguments so why do i even bother?? i am really really (really really really really really) trying to be patient and consistent and positive but there are moments when i truly feel like i am losing my mind waiting for this stage to pass. and i know, i know- don't wish it away- i got it. but try reminding me that when all H.E.double hockey sticks is breaking loose, not when my sweet children are away for the night hanging with grandma. i am alone tonight and it is blissful but i find myself thinking about those kids nearly the entire time. i just spent some time with my cousin and her new baby and all that came to mind in my stories were good ones- snuggling with them on my chest, giving first baths and kissing away tears, reading stories and playing on swings. not once did my mind's eye go to visions of N slamming his door 10 times in a row and telling me i am "ridiculous" when i send him to his room or A squirming mercilessly away from me as i spend 10 minutes trying to change her clothes..... that's gotta count for something, right?
i can work on ME but they, each in their own very distinct and sometimes frustrating stages are