Friday, September 9, 2011

pass me the (insert poison)

but mommy i don't waaant to go to school.
i know you say that buddy, but you don't want to stay with a babysitter either. what do you want N?

i want to stay home and snuggle with my mommy.

there it is, the low blow. i neeeed you mommy. you are not meeting my needs mommy. what kind of mommy am i? unfortunately the first word coming to mind right now is overwhelmed.
i am an overwhelmed mommy.

once upon a time, i had a beautiful baby boy and night and day switched places. focus went from pregnant me to helpless little soul and i was overwhelmed.
and then i learned to live and slept again and things got easy.
then right when N was at that tricky impossible toddler stage, we threw a darling baby girl in the mix. who knew that two was impossibly harder? double the work and double the drama and half the time. i was overwhelmed.
and then miraculously life began to come back to us and we made a happy place.
the work from home scenario is a slippery one, but it is good. still a paycheck, but with lots of time at home. and i have supplemented with teaching a couple college classes a week, both for the money and the sanity that only comes from leaving the house.
but then there is now.

i agreed to a double teaching load this semester. there were lots of reasons behind the choice and it is probably only going to be temporary, but wow. i am essentially a full time faculty member, except that i split the load between two colleges/three campuses. this means that any given day i am driving all over boofoo and trying to remember what the hell (class) i am teaching. i am trying to shove patients in non-existent time slots in a house that is a potential disaster because i don't have enough time to keep it up. i grocery shopped at 10pm last night after the kids were asleep but i still have no idea what i am making for dinner tonight. and finally, i am not home snuggling with the kiddos. i know they are fine and i know this is temporary. i know that i had always planned on working full-time until that bald little head popped out and changed my world. however, when that head arrived, i was done with 27 years of school. and 27 years of school costs money.

i wish i could call my lenders and tell them i will be happy to work and pay them back in about 10 years when all my kids are in school, but i am fairly sure that when you call them, there is not a phone option for that choice. so i continue to work, some semesters more than others. i know i am not alone but it feels like i am alone. i am overwhelmed. overwhelmed. overwhelmed.

and just maybe, i would rather go through 5 simultaneous unmedicated childbirths just to get maternity leave. but then there would be seven and my house is not clean enough for reality tv...

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