he sat hurriedly scribbling his umpteenth report.
there was always somewhere to be. always someone on hold. always a life to save.
or to change. he had changed my life.
i was leaving that day after 6 weeks of learning, excitedly headed home with my boyfriend to lazy summer days and sleeping past 5 am. to the life of an over-driven college student who was burned the hell out.
before him, i had a very clear picture of what my future looked like. sterile, bright rooms filled with sterile, bright tools and people who needed fixed. i was to be a surgeon.
no one questioned the fierceness, the endless studying, the crazy anticipation of every exam, every grade. not until i questioned it over the course of that life-changing summer.
he was god-like with lives in his hands all day, every day. compassionate but professional. methodical but approachable. he was everything i had thought i'd want to be. but he and his team had families. faceless names that they hurried to in the dark, kissed goodbye while they still lay dreaming in the morning. doubtlessly beautiful children with voids where one of their parents could have been.
a great price comes with greatness. and that is, that those who love you the most, have to share you.
all day, every day.
it was a life he could graciously handle. a life that i could not. when i pictured my future, not only was i in an operating room. i was also nursing a baby with beautiful curls. i was fixing my husband dinner and picking laughing kids up from school.
i was not him after all.
it took 6 weeks of seeing true miracles played out in 18 hour workdays but slowly i realized that to be him that i looked up to with such awe, i would have to forfeit the type of mother that i also very much wanted to be.
so there, on my last day, i shook his hand and thanked him for the opportunity, because wow. it had been quite an opportunity. and as he was racing out to save another life, i simply couldn't find words to thank him for how he'd changed mine. so i just smiled and nodded, turned around and closed the door on that path.
thanks doc. i like to think you saved my children's lives too, in a much different way.