Thursday, October 20, 2011

what a downer.... negative nancy can only go up from here

i am failing.
this is a very hard thing for me to admit but i have never felt so out of control in my entire life. at the end of the day, it shouldn't matter if the dishes get done or a damn halloween costume get sewed. what should matter is that my kids feel safe and loved. that they have a mommy who spends time with them and leads by example- which is the exact opposite of this mess sitting here at the computer.
i have so. much. work to do.
i am so tired.
i am so sad.
this beautiful crazy and frustratingly strong-willed little soul has pushed and pushed lately. he is my clone. he is amazing. and he can piss me off like nobody's business. i am done for today- he just got sent to bed after one too many buttons got pushed. and now in the quiet i reflect on how all he heard from me today was negative. corrections. admonitions. i only got to spend 3 hours with him and i was mad the entire time. it was a night wasted.
we should be snuggling and laughing. except we are not.
because i am failing at the job i want to be best at.
and then there's the other one. she cries and cries if i am not holding her. she is 18 months old and has never been like this and i KNOW it is because i am suddenly gone all the time with this triple work insanity.
she won't sit in her highchair. she won't nap. she won't let me out of her sight.
she won't share me.
when her "maamaa" overlaps with her brother's "mom! watch me" and the dog is barking at some non-existent sound, i think my head just might explode. but only because i am simultaneously trying to grade papers, bill insurance for patient visits and make dinner all with a smile.
perfectionism has long been my worst quality but lately i can't even be average.
i am even failing at keeping up my worst quality.
Lord help my babies- maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

1 comment:

Alicia said...

If I had any sanity saving advice I would share it with myself. How about hang in there, they will come up with new ways to frustrate you next week?