life's greatest gifts are more life

sometimes i feel like i blink and years fly by. but then if i really think about all the change that happens during the blur of a few years, it seems like forever. each day of memories of your child is fleeting yet permanent. exhausting and exhilarating. one big dichotomy.
as is he- my walking dichotomy. it seems impossible that some one's light could be so bright, but it is. it seems unlikely that the same person could make me so mad, but he does. it seems a miracle that i could have such an amazing child, but i have two.
and this one... this one is five today.

in many ways i miss the little man he used to be- the one who'd nurse for an entire night to be close to me, who'd instantly find my voice in a crowded room and squeal with delight when i kissed his cheeks. i long for the endless snuggles, his chubby toddler fists wrapped in my hair and the adoring eyes who watched me above any other.

i guess he's in there somewhere, hidden behind the endless struggle for independence and the strongest will i have ever known. sometimes he wants only me, but those times are much fewer. he is more intent on being heard than listening to my bedtime stories, more apt to rough play in the dirt than singing under the covers.

he is growing and changing, but he will always be my little boy.
even when he does the grand things that i just know he is destined for, i will see the sweet innocent fella who stole my heart and made me a mother.
but i might need sunglasses, because he will shine.

and then there were two and there was never silence again

it is fair to say that when your two year old climbs into your lap, covers one of your eyes with a book and says "you're a pirate- aaaargggh!" that you will think she is the most brilliant child ever- or at least as brilliant as your own precocious four year old who paved the way.

N was an early talker- with me as a parent, the poor kid was destined for the 'can't stop talking' gene and boy has that been the truth. when other children were pointing and grunting at their sippy cups, he was asking me to "pass my yummy drink, pweeeease" and since then he pretty much has not stopped speaking but for the 10 hour hiatus called nighttime. this trait is both a blessing and a curse as you can imagine and we have had a book's worth of commentary that despite my best efforts, i will sadly never remember.

when A started to talk, we thought maybe she was behind, at least by N's standards and then seemingly overnight, the single words morphed into paragraphs and we are well on our way to having another one who makes up little songs and makes us belly laugh with her baby creativity.

and it is glorious.

the AAP recommends that you read about what the AAP recommends

today during a perusal of the interwebz, i checked my facebook feed as i often do and saw a post from a blog that i frequent with a carseat giveaway. first off, awesome- she is giving her readers a chance to win a car seat! a britax no less.
along with the headline was a picture of an oldish looking toddler in the very acceptable rear-facing position with her legs crossed up indian style if i am being un-pc, which i am. i don't know if you've heard, but this is okay. recommended even.
and yet, of course... the FIRST comment was "isn't that child a little old to be sitting rear facing with her legs all squashed up like that?" i literally said that as nasally and whiny as i could while i typed it.
the answer to that comment is "shut the hell up".  period.
of course no one said that but someone should have. what was listed by 16 zillion commenters was how the american academy of pediatrics recommends blah blah blah...
as a teacher, i will list this as multiple choice. was this woman A) wrong B) living under a rock C) a drama queen D) all of the above. the answer is arbitrary. what you choose to do with your own children is not really my business.
the point to this rant is WHY, why, why, why, why do moms find it so necessary to poke their noses into everyone's business? in this case, she wasn't trying to be helpful- she was just being snide.
and what is funnier is that the blogger probably picked that picture to open up discussion on rear-facing car seats (she is in fact, a health professional who talks about that sort of thing) because she KNEW that some lady would have to be all judgy mcjudgersons on her facebook page.
oh mommas we are all so predictable.
can we please stop??

if jason showed up at this house in his ski mask and a machete, he'd turn right around and run away. we are that scary.

so i missed ten on ten again this month, mostly because i knew if i didn't get my camping trip post done that day then i never would. i had the brilliant idea that i would use today, friday the 13th to take pics throughout my day instead with the idea that they would capture all the little joys that were the exact opposite of the "unluckiness" that this day is associated with. i figured i'd tie it all together with a brilliant pun-laced post and that would keep me happy till next time.
however, by ten am it was abundantly clear that my son was trying to put me into a mental institution and instead i had to spend most of the day making the conscious decision to avoid drinking... cest la vie.

i am officially down with my day classes for the summer so i figured we'd jump right into belated summer holiday fun and hit the library for story morning take two. if you recall, our first experience left a little something to be desired so i spent an hour trying to come up with excuses not to go and ultimately had to because our books were due.

drat that procrastination.
we walked there since it was a cool 85 degrees and N happily deposited our books into the outdoor deposit box. we went in to find that there was no story hour today (even though it clearly stated "Storytelling Hour" on the calendar for today's date, Friday the 13th- lovely.
sooo i had to answer the "why isn't there storytime" question approximately 73 times all while keeping A from de-shelving the entire childrens section and N from engaging the library ladies in conversation way above their social skills.
our favorite lady from last week managed to piss me off with a comment about children for the second time in two visits and another one snidely commented that i was supposed to return the books inside versus the deposit box outside.
i can only assume it is there for decoration if it is not for returning books.

library: 2, personal fun: 0.

i know this not exciting but i feel like it is neccessary for completeness sake in my hatred for the hometown library.
so then we left and by then, it was more like 87 degrees and since N can clearly tell the difference, he made sure to tell me how it was hot about every 16 steps for the walk home. apparently there is no winning with this child.

when we got home, we read their new books and only manged to rip one page in a fit of rage when the wrong child chose to turn the third page. we ate lunch, made the chocolatey peanut butter yumminess that is puppy chow and then decided to play outside in the hose.
this sounds like a lovely day, right?
you would think, but again, nothing is ever good enough where my N is concerned. he always wants more.
that is why when i said it was time to go in (after warning him of the impending end with the hose date three times) N threw a MASSIVE tantrum complete with shouts of how i was "killing him" all while the neighbors are outside staring at me wondering if in fact i was trying to kill him. this is Friday the 13th you know.

i keep thinking these days are behind us since he is not 2 or 3 (and almost not even 4) anymore, but alas, they are not. i think God thinks it is funny, just call me comic relief.

anyway, eventually i got everyone inside, changed, snacked and into beds for naps. God did have mercy on me and made N sleep for three hours, which is the surest way to avoid me reaching for the ski mask and turning into Jason. A even slept for an hour and i had a shower and wished for wine.

and some wonders never cease because my husband brought me some home and now i am ignoring the madness and drinking a wine spritzer 'cause i am classy like that. i hear a squeal or a bang every now and then but i think my husband is on it. and if he's not, well then i'm sure N has it covered- he does think he know best and i have a glass that qualifies as one of today's little joys.

what do you get when you cross an inferno with a leaky mattress and tired muscles?

last weekend my lover (we have referred to each other as 'lover' on every vacation since we saw an old 'west virginia is for lovers' t-shirt in west virginia once. incidentally we have looked for that t-shirt on every trip since) and i went on a camping trip.
we even went alone. what, what, what?

yep- a.lone. for four days.
i missed the kiddos terribly, but it was blissful.
or at least blissful in the only ways that camping in 190 degree weather can be.
we used to camp all the time before we had kids, but we haven't been in about 6 years. fortunately, it is like riding a bike. it was pretty much like all the last times except this time we played a significant amount of 'jet pack' on the iphone. 6 years ago, i am fairly sure we both rocked some variation of a flip-phone and totally thought we were up on the latest technology. we might have been and there were no apps for that.
.

after the first two nights of leaking air mattresses and the loudest insect symphony you can even imagine, we may have thrown in the towel and reserved an air conditioned cabin for the last night.

i'm not even afraid to admit it, because it turns out that when we camped and traveled all over the united states while we were students, it was less about fun and more about being broke! now that we can actually afford to stay in a hotel, we MAY be spoiled...

nevertheless, we had a GREAT time. we hiked more miles than i have walked this year, swam in cool mountain lakes and pretended we were 19 again.

and also, arkansas... who freaking knew?! gorgeous.

have you heard, arkansas too is for lovers ;)

coke addicted models and such nonsense

sometimes, or almost every day, i am compelled to do something terrible. something i hope my children won't do. something so vulgar that i am embarrassed by my psychological need to do it. i am talking about coke.
classic.
i drink soda.
BAM- it is earth shattering is it not?!

i teach nutrition.
i have advanced degrees in the business of wellness.
i am a healthcare practitioner.
i know better. soda is probably the worst thing to drink. the major source of calories in the american diet is sugar in soda.

but it could be worse! it could be the other kind of coke is all i'm saying. that would be worse people.

i want it during my commutes- i am full on responding to the external ques we talked about in my nutrition lecture tonight. i almost can't help myself. but today, during my commute- i told my subconscious to back off and i pulled into a sonic, which i love. i really really love sonics. and i ordered an unsweetened iced tea.
TAKE THAT EXTERNAL QUE!

and then i waited.
and waited.
i guess they were brewing my tea...
and the order was delivered to the car in front of me.
and then i waited.
and looked in the rear view mirror and noticed that my hair was blowing wildly in the air conditioner stream making me look all victoria's secret beach shoot, except i was fully dressed in the car. and not heidi klum, of course, even after 14 kids. how does she do it?

and i waited some more
seriously sonic? you are making me second guess my choice. i am not excited about my tea like i would be for a frosty coca cola.
i looked back to the mirror and laughed.
and then i took out my camera phone and took  some pics of myself to send to my husband who i thought would find my pictures glamour shot funny.

more waiting....
and hello sonic person!

i confirmed my order, paid the server and was on my way.
i was still thinking about how long it took to get a simple drink and wondered how long it would have taken if i'd ordered something really complicated like tator tots or a slushie or something, when i reached for my cup and took my first sip.

and it was soda.

my subconscious backed the heck off alright and jumped right into the sonic worker who just knew that i wasn't in the mood for tea. my transplanted subconscious is that good. they delivered to me a 44 oz dr. pepper (i wish it had been coke for many reasons including the the sake of this long and unimportant story and because it's delicious) instead of the 32 oz tea.
that is the biggest external que i have ever seen...

but it's fine.
all models have their addictions after all.

lovely lovely ladies

once upon a time, we were allowed a rare night out... and it didn't disappoint.

i'm going to suggest one once a week ;)

and cannot possibly in any dimension be the only person who feels this way

i am not a skinny girl.

i am also not a fat girl.

i am normal, though in a world where normal is supposedly the goal, it frequently doesn't feel like that normal body is good enough... i am a 32 year old former dancer and current mother of two. the flexibility did come in handy during the childbearing "fun" though it seemed to leave soon after the last one. my flexibility and body tone seems to have been indirectly proportional to the amount of sleep i've lost- meaning the less accumulated sleep hours i achieve, the more out of shape i become. children are the central figure in both factors.
and yet, i am normal. i am a mom, just like so many others. and you know what moms need? a damn swimsuit that makes them feel like they look more like a female than a mutant shell of their former self. there will be a time when i feel like i can work on getting a body back but it is unfortunately not yet. and i hate a one piece swimsuit because my waist is so short that my boobs sprout directly out of my childbearing hips.
soooo i reach for the "tankini". therein lies another problem- they are either too long giving the apprearance of a crotch peaking out of a mini skirt or just short enough to end right above my mom pudge putting the emphasis on the wrong body syllable. so a regular two piece then? oh my my my. more issues!
i like my boobs. they have fed my children and though they have drooped considerably for their troubles, they can still be okay with some help. but they deserve support of the underwire kind! done are the days of covering those puppies with a triangle top or an unlined strip of fabric. i need a swimsuit BRA! when you think about it, it shouldn't be so hard to find a bra-kini. bras are made to cover and hold boobs, and maybe i am mistaken but swim tops should fall in that category, right?
but. they. don't.
they have little ties and tight bands that make your back fat bulge out and tiny pieces of fabric that are .5 seconds away from wardrobe malfunctions. i want to find a swimsuit top that looks and feels like my favorite maidenform bras, but i just can't find one for less than 100 bucks.

and even the bottoms are screwy. why so tight?
i can't be alone in not wanting a muffin top so why are all bottoms either granny panties or super low-rise, tight pieces that only look good on those crazy people with space between their thighs... i only know two people with the inner thigh space... the b****es!
i'm just kidding. your space is lovely, i am just jealous.
but seriously, the ONLY pair of somewhat flattering bottoms that i could find this year (to replace my beloved old black pair that i had worn for 8 years or something) were picked up in desperation. as i was passing the maternity section on the way to the dressing room at target, i spied a simple black pair of maternity bikini bottoms and thought, "i wonder..."

and wouldn't you know- no bulging! so i am now the proud owner of a size LARGE MATERNITY black bikini bottom and i am admitting it to the world on this blog. clearly the process of trying on tight swimsuits has damaged the circulation to my brain.
the fact that i had to buy them is just crazy. i am not fat, remember? i am normal and yet the only bottoms that suitably covered my ass were designed for someone carrying an entire second person in the bikini region. crazy i say.

if i am normal, then so are my boobs. so is my butt. and normal ladies my age though they would like to lay out on the beach, must often frolick on the sand with our crazy minions. and we'd like to do so with as little jiggling, bulging and indecent exposure citations as possible. swimsuit designers, please take note before we jump a wave with our babies and lose our minds along with our tops.