Sunday, July 1, 2012

and cannot possibly in any dimension be the only person who feels this way

i am not a skinny girl.

i am also not a fat girl.

i am normal, though in a world where normal is supposedly the goal, it frequently doesn't feel like that normal body is good enough... i am a 32 year old former dancer and current mother of two. the flexibility did come in handy during the childbearing "fun" though it seemed to leave soon after the last one. my flexibility and body tone seems to have been indirectly proportional to the amount of sleep i've lost- meaning the less accumulated sleep hours i achieve, the more out of shape i become. children are the central figure in both factors.
and yet, i am normal. i am a mom, just like so many others. and you know what moms need? a damn swimsuit that makes them feel like they look more like a female than a mutant shell of their former self. there will be a time when i feel like i can work on getting a body back but it is unfortunately not yet. and i hate a one piece swimsuit because my waist is so short that my boobs sprout directly out of my childbearing hips.
soooo i reach for the "tankini". therein lies another problem- they are either too long giving the apprearance of a crotch peaking out of a mini skirt or just short enough to end right above my mom pudge putting the emphasis on the wrong body syllable. so a regular two piece then? oh my my my. more issues!
i like my boobs. they have fed my children and though they have drooped considerably for their troubles, they can still be okay with some help. but they deserve support of the underwire kind! done are the days of covering those puppies with a triangle top or an unlined strip of fabric. i need a swimsuit BRA! when you think about it, it shouldn't be so hard to find a bra-kini. bras are made to cover and hold boobs, and maybe i am mistaken but swim tops should fall in that category, right?
but. they. don't.
they have little ties and tight bands that make your back fat bulge out and tiny pieces of fabric that are .5 seconds away from wardrobe malfunctions. i want to find a swimsuit top that looks and feels like my favorite maidenform bras, but i just can't find one for less than 100 bucks.

and even the bottoms are screwy. why so tight?
i can't be alone in not wanting a muffin top so why are all bottoms either granny panties or super low-rise, tight pieces that only look good on those crazy people with space between their thighs... i only know two people with the inner thigh space... the b****es!
i'm just kidding. your space is lovely, i am just jealous.
but seriously, the ONLY pair of somewhat flattering bottoms that i could find this year (to replace my beloved old black pair that i had worn for 8 years or something) were picked up in desperation. as i was passing the maternity section on the way to the dressing room at target, i spied a simple black pair of maternity bikini bottoms and thought, "i wonder..."

and wouldn't you know- no bulging! so i am now the proud owner of a size LARGE MATERNITY black bikini bottom and i am admitting it to the world on this blog. clearly the process of trying on tight swimsuits has damaged the circulation to my brain.
the fact that i had to buy them is just crazy. i am not fat, remember? i am normal and yet the only bottoms that suitably covered my ass were designed for someone carrying an entire second person in the bikini region. crazy i say.

if i am normal, then so are my boobs. so is my butt. and normal ladies my age though they would like to lay out on the beach, must often frolick on the sand with our crazy minions. and we'd like to do so with as little jiggling, bulging and indecent exposure citations as possible. swimsuit designers, please take note before we jump a wave with our babies and lose our minds along with our tops.

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