Thursday, August 11, 2011

when can you justify the cost of therapy??

sometimes i think i must be the worst mommy in the whole world.

lately i have had 16,004 things to do with time for about 6. the kids have been here every day because i am not teaching for two more weeks and so i don't have any time to myself to do business things or prep class things or even pee alone- such are the stay at home mom issues that i am familiar with, except that i still have working mom things to do on top of them.

and seriously when oh when will N settle a bit? the tantrums are STILL going strong and that mouth of his.... we are starting a part-time preschool type scenario in a few weeks and i am almost embarrassed that i am sending a 16 year old moody teenager to the 4 year old room..... except that he is also one of the greatest personalities i've ever met. he does really need to go though because he hangs with adults too much and has learned the fine art of back talk- i guess from me. is that what i sound like?

so anyway- stuff to do and N all crazy-like and A into everything because she just started that 10 year stage where every drawer is repeatedly opened and every dog bowl overturned.
yesterday i was mean and put him in time out, sent him to his room, took toys away.
yesterday i was frustrated beyond belief.
yesterday in the midst of pointless and tedious arguing it came to a messy head.

yesterday i cried.
i do not want to cry in front of my children- i don't want them to think that i am crying because of them. ironically when i cry, it is usually because of them.
but that is not the point.
so of course i walk away to the other room and they follow me and i keep trying to walk away all the while sob sobbing with my face down because damn it, they might see. and then i can't walk anywhere else so i sit on the bed and make myself stop. (as  if you can just turn it off)

i "stopped" and then little 4-year-old arms come around me and say "it's alright momma. you can cry on my shoulder."

i know, right?
and my stinking weak-ace self starts crying again because how stinking cute is that? but now i am smiling too as he pats me with down-turned mouth saying "oh momma" "it's okay momma" "i love you" because he had to have learned that from someone awesome, right?

me. the mean mean mommy can occasionally be nice i guess.


Anonymous said...

I think it's good for our kids to see us cry. It lets them know that we are human. I've made my kids cry, because I'm mean, but mostly in cases that they didn't get what they want. But my point is that sometimes our kids hurt our feelings and it's a good learning lesson for them to know that what they do affects others. I think a 4 yr old is definitely cognizant enough to understand that in it's simplest form. You're not mean, you're teaching your children about emotions!

Jo said...

you make a valid point. we are all up in emotion around here...