add yet another issue to my file

do you ever feel like everyone is judging you?
i do on a very regular basis- maybe that makes me a narcissist or just paranoid. i am not sure but i wish you'd quit looking at me like that!

N recently started at the learning center of the college i teach at. it seems like it is going to work out pretty well for him, but i am not sure about me. the woman in charge is one of those people who seems super sweet and is really soft spoken and smiley and basically just meant to hang out with the kiddos because her adult social skills are a bit off. i think she is a judger. each time we speak, i feel like she wants to laugh at me for being such an idiot parent. i said that N was excited to come and has never been in a group setting. "mmmmhmmm" she mumbled with a sly smile and a nod while i heard "oh so i suppose you think you've been a good substitute for my impeccable learning cener, organized play and unlimited access to creative explorations".
seriously- she was thinking that- i just know these things. i am kind of a mind reading ninja.

it went on and on. for everything i said, she had an imaginary and silent retort for me. and so by the time i left our second meeting, she was on my list. BUT the center is great! and the teachers are great! and N is gonna love it- but that lady..... i just know she hates me.

well.
thursday was his first day. he was "pumped". his words, not mine :) he had a great day, i think. according to his teachers, he was the only one who didn't take a nap. he used the bathroom 17 times (it is a novelty with its short little toilet and sink). he was unhappy that his new best friend Bryan wouldn't share his dinosaur but he was happy with his day. he didn't want to come home. lady in charge gave me a sideways glance and acted shocked when i told her that N usually doesn't nap until 2 or 3 so again, i felt judged. it is tough work being such a crazy perfectionist.

and then there was today. i stopped in after my class just to see how things were going though i expected to leave and run some errands before coming back for him. BUT he wanted to come home since my mom was at our house. i wasn't going to tell him "no you have to stay at school" when the awesomeness that is his nana was hanging out at his house wating to shower him with fun and affection. so i took him out. apparently they don't like it when you remove them before the super special lunch comes. but seriously, why care?? i already paid for a whole day so let's not freak about having one less little person around for the afternoon. i mean, in the very least, we opened up the bathroom a bit for others to use. SHE gave me another one of those little faces and though i avoided showing her where N got his backtalking skills from, we did hightail it out of there.

and then it came to me suddenly on the drive home that though i marked NONE in the "allergy" section of his enrollment forms, N does in fact have a significant allergy issue with cow's milk! and by significant, i mean that he has been known to have his eyes swell shut.... that would certainly result in a frantic call to the incompetent parent who would have to pretend to be appalled and freaked out and sad to leave my job to retrieve the invalid. it gets better very fast so don't think i am being insensitive to his plight but honestly, HOW did i leave that off?? i guess we are just so used to giving him goat or rice or almond milk that it never occurred to me that other people kinda get theirs from a cow... especially in a daycare type environment. failure by me. point for ms. hannegan of the learning center.

we make it home. we play, we eat. we nap. we eat. we argue. we play outside. a good day overall and then....

and then, of course, N falls face freaking first into the ridiculous rock grotto that the previous owners built in our backyard (and that we haven't been able to pull from our yard lest we lose a bumper off our car or break a sledge hammer or something). he has a HUGE mark on his cheek and some new scratches. good thing it is almost a week until N has to make another appearance at school, or the meanish, super-nice faced, childlike voice lady would have me arrested for abuse.

and then who would buy my poor kid goat milk?

in which my crazy peeks out.... again

seriously house hunters.

you make me CRAZY.

i have watched this show through my frustrations for years and only seen two point five couples that didn't make me want to punch them in the throat. the half couple seemed normal enough until the ladie's extreme nasalness pushed me over the edge halfway through....
how many damn times can someone comment on the lack of his and hers sinks?
how is paint color a deal breaker? it is PAINT.
and why do all the idiots pick the house that is $42,000 over budget for the sake of a "man-cave"?

i have yelled at my screen at least 20 times in the last 5 minutes.
"who freaking cares that the chandelier has a lightbulb out?!
why would you wear that shirt on national television?!
you have 4 dogs- how are you even looking at a townhouse that doesn't accept animals?!"
and so on....

it makes me crazy.
i have a theory that house hunters must pay extra money for tool-baggery!

or maybe they cast their shows with starving actors like jerry springer.
that would explain the 17 year old married couple seeking their second home in prague who have decided that they just can't live in an apartment with a european bathroom...... you are in europe freako- what do you expect?!? it makes more sense if you watch it like a screenplay

perhaps this an unnatural response to tv, even reality tv, but whatever. it pisses me off. and yet i am still watching as i type. these twenty-something best friends are moving to a "pad" in columbia. the country. cause the girls are "unbelievable"..... what do your poor mothers think?

unbelievable.

but i didn't want sirens showing up at my place of business......

so i give up.

i officially am throwing in the heinous detox towel today. i simply can't do it anymore aaaand i am fairly sure that if i was not a healthcare professional and "know what i am doing" (i would be a terrible patient btw), i would've officially checked into the ER last night.

out of nowhere i started feeling really off- i mean really truly weird- like i was wasted, but not in a fun we're half naked on spring break kind of thing. dizzy and fuzzy around the edges. i was even running into stuff. the first thought- brain tumor.
laugh if you will, but that is where my mind (tumor-free or not) always goes because my family grows brain tumors. it's a fact- i am sure my mom is in a textbook somewhere with a black bar across her eyes.

second thought- aaron poisoned me.
no i'm kidding. i didn't think that, but i did wonder if that sparkling cranberry juice sample that came in the mail was laced with something.

third and final thought- this damn, freaking, piece of shit, stupid detox has got to stop.
my electrolytes had to be out. of. whack.
i did it to myself because i was still doing the "diet" and taking the supplements but i started bailing on the shakes, which are kind of what keeps everything in balance even though you are messing with everything else. they are gross and i couldn't drink anymore so bam. wandering drunkenly around my house after two minions.

i am detoxed enough- the final count: 15 days (if you don't count the gatorade that i drank last night and the handful of salty tortilla chips to "restore myself"- it worked btw- i felt better within an hour) of no grains, no dairy, no sugar. no seeds or nuts or red meat or processed foods. no fun. no chicken or even fish for 11 days. 875 disgusting shakes- i might be exagerrating that total. 900 dollars worth of produce and juice- that is probably true. 9 pounds. 3 days of headaches. no more chemicals in me but no fun.

i have smiled more today than in two weeks, but i am not sure if that's because my body feels better in its new no-toxin state or because i am eating lasagna for dinner (with a salad- geesh don't judge).

and then i walked away

Today's post is based on "Change" a prompt given by the Red Dress Club, which, as of yesterday is now known as  Write On Edge.... I hope I can find them for the linkup!!

On that day, I was done.

Eyes closed, I sat in the hard- backed chair wondering how exactly my dream had disintegrated within a few short months. I was in a nightmare.  It hadn’t started out that way- though hindsight being what it is, I feel like I should have predicted the reality of the situation. The place had bad energy. Most of it came from one individual, but the whole building just felt wrong. I didn’t care- I had been so ready.

I fell into my position naïve and bright-eyed, professional and positive to a fault. Somewhere along the way, the smile became fake, the professionalism forced and all naiveté lost to cloudy eyes- a cloudy head. Nothing was as I expected it to be- each day was an uphill battle to be recognized, be understood, to even be me. The “me” got lost in avoiding the wrath of her.

Snide. Unreasonable. Mean.

She was supposed to be helpful- to run a tight ship in a healthy way, except she just didn’t. Of course her colors only came out around the other co-worker and me, never around the boss. She said we were alike as if to explain the reason our psyches clashed, but we are not alike. I could never be so cold.

“What are you? Stupid??” She taunted in the other room. As my jaw literally hit the floor, my ears didn’t register words of a rebuttal, just some stammering and frustration at another onslaught. That poor woman needed the job so much that she took the battering day in and day out. My eyes swam with tears and I decided that I didn’t need my job so much.

I was a professional and damn good at my job. There was still enough me in there to know that I could do better- that I could reclaim positivity and light. And so I did, on that day.

Magic Moments: Quick Get Outside Before It Turns Summer Again Edition

Yesterday we BUSTED out of the air conditioning and into a beautiful day. Elephant Rocks State Park is an amazing little destination for some easy trail walking and less than easy rock scaling, especially when smarties take both kids AND the fat fat dog... it really is a great geological area with fun crevices and peaks to explore. We have been before and will be sure to return. They also have a fantastic picnic area set in and among the giant rocks that we totally took advantage of.











 

and then there was one

and here i am, officially into the last phase of detox- i am now allowed 2-4 3oz servings of chicken and fish per day. the rest is the same.
i am bored.

the shakes- still gross. i honestly can't even get myself to drink a third, sometimes even a second per day..... i could add more juice to make them taste better, but then i am injecting myself into an instant sugar high. the lentils- totally sick of them. i couldn't eat a single lentil yesterday. but the meat? truly the meat addition is earth shattering- and totally detox shattering for my husband.

he had one taste of meat and fell.off.the.wagon--- completely! last night it rained and rained and his softball league got cancelled. i didn't have anything planned for dinner so we went out. i ate a yummy cajun whitefish fillet, fresh green beans and brown rice pilaf with water and generally stayed the course. he abandoned me and ordered a BURGER and FRIES and a COKE and then we stopped at the grocery store so he could buy cheese and cookies and milk..... i mean go big or go home, right?? that is actually not the reason we stopped but he sure took advantage :)

and me. bored.
alone in the quest with lots of days to go. i am over halfway done actually but still i like to mope.

i am so thankful that he decided to do phase I with me, it truly would have been impossible by myself. and we tried lots of new vegetarian things (that have no grains involved).
and he lost like 10 pounds.
and really, he has been a trooper.
but should i tell him that he is just gonna undo the detox if he keeps up the food bender????

when can you justify the cost of therapy??

sometimes i think i must be the worst mommy in the whole world.

lately i have had 16,004 things to do with time for about 6. the kids have been here every day because i am not teaching for two more weeks and so i don't have any time to myself to do business things or prep class things or even pee alone- such are the stay at home mom issues that i am familiar with, except that i still have working mom things to do on top of them.

and seriously when oh when will N settle a bit? the tantrums are STILL going strong and that mouth of his.... we are starting a part-time preschool type scenario in a few weeks and i am almost embarrassed that i am sending a 16 year old moody teenager to the 4 year old room..... except that he is also one of the greatest personalities i've ever met. he does really need to go though because he hangs with adults too much and has learned the fine art of back talk- i guess from me. is that what i sound like?

so anyway- stuff to do and N all crazy-like and A into everything because she just started that 10 year stage where every drawer is repeatedly opened and every dog bowl overturned.
yesterday i was mean and put him in time out, sent him to his room, took toys away.
yesterday i was frustrated beyond belief.
yesterday in the midst of pointless and tedious arguing it came to a messy head.

yesterday i cried.
i do not want to cry in front of my children- i don't want them to think that i am crying because of them. ironically when i cry, it is usually because of them.
but that is not the point.
so of course i walk away to the other room and they follow me and i keep trying to walk away all the while sob sobbing with my face down because damn it, they might see. and then i can't walk anywhere else so i sit on the bed and make myself stop. (as  if you can just turn it off)

i "stopped" and then little 4-year-old arms come around me and say "it's alright momma. you can cry on my shoulder."

i know, right?
and my stinking weak-ace self starts crying again because how stinking cute is that? but now i am smiling too as he pats me with down-turned mouth saying "oh momma" "it's okay momma" "i love you" because he had to have learned that from someone awesome, right?

me. the mean mean mommy can occasionally be nice i guess.

cause i'd like to avoid paying a lawyer

I know you clicked on here thinking "who is this? where did jo's blog go?"
hahaha wishful thinking by me.
it is still me- i just changed it up a bit.

my primary reason is that by accident, i stumbled upon three separate blogs in the last week titled A Beautiful Mess..... not the same as me of course, but very close. Once or twice may be coincidence, but three times? Three times is telling my subconscious to avoid getting sued :) One of those "messes" is a BIG blog- BIG. with a store and a following as if i'd know what that is like!

but hey! the internet is a crazy place so you never know. maybe someday 105 people will know who i am.... i picked our name because of something my son said to me the day i started blogging but maybe i should have looked for some other blogs first- i was a newbie. whatev.

so anyway- this is still the story of our beautiful mess, but i just added a bit to the title. maybe it will keep readers from thinking i am blogging about a beautiful mess in a dream or on tv- i am for true blogging on our beautiful messy life.

what do vomit, brown rice, magic and 18,000 questions have in common?

in following with the latest tradition of chaos during our family outings, tonight began with A vomiting all over herself and the car. we pulled into target so i could grab a quick outfit change for her and then headed to our destination- The Magic House!

it is a great place and since it was a private party, we had access to all of the exhibits without a zillion other people in the way and the kiddos were all smiles. we learned a few things too- one sign said that the average 4 year old asks 437 questions per day, which was worth a giggle. but then we really started thinking about it, and that number seemed a bit low :)

soooo we counted the questions from N on the way home and he had roughly 70 questions in a 20 minute span!!! granted, this was in the car so maybe there were a few more than usual but if you factor in sleeping, that still adds up to over 2000 questions per day from our dear boy........

does that help to paint a better picture of my little man? he can be a little challenging!

also on the way home we had to stop for some dinner and we did the best we could detox-wise at crazy bowls and wraps. you know you have been on a strict diet when you feel super indulgent eating a vegetarian fajita bowl without cheese! we gave half our brown rice to N and surely still had more than the quota and we are feeling slightly guilty about eating black beans instead of lentils, but wow, it was delicious. we already decided that our first meal out after this thing is over will be red robin but i highly doubt our bodies will appreciate that!

the good news is that tomorrow is the last day of phase I and phase III will start on thursday- that glorious day means the addition of chicken and fish. i can hardly contain my excitement! so much so that you might see me use an average of 437 exclamation points and/or smiley faces in the next few days :)

Oh and like last week, I am linking up with Harper's Happenings- you should too ;)

Cardi- Old Navy; Tank- Gap; Capris- Thrifted and surgically altered; Sandals- Kohls

which would you rather have, a chicken burrito or a shiny new four year old??

i am sitting at the table across from  my usually very handsome boy. his face right now is screwed into this weird caricature of himself and there are fake cries and moaning sounds coming from his vicinity. he refuses to eat his dinner, which pisses me off in itself because i would KILL to have his burrito right now being on day 4 of this cleanse and all. i decided i had to do something to keep myself from strangling him and if i even look at him i might snap soooooo hello lovely readers :)

we are at a stalemate- we are supposed to be at this party about 30 minutes ago but i told him we can't go until he eats his dinner. and i mean it. but we really HAVE to go.......

i hate when he does this. it is not often- he is usually a champ but i am not going to deal with an ungrateful little fella that won't eat a perfectly good, scratch that- freaking delicious looking chicken burrito!!!! maybe i am exaggerating and unneccessarily mean because my blood sugar is low. yesterday was a good day. both my husband and i were full and satisfied all day but today the reality that it is only day 4 out of 21 and that i can't even have fish for another week really kicked in. man i want that burrito ;)

we really need to get to the party- although there will be food there. likely many types that i can't eat so maybe N is just trying to save me from my cravings. or he is just four with an attitude. whatever.

excuse me while i chew my arm off!

i am hungry.
not that this morning's gritty vitamin infused smoothie didn't feed my belly..... it did. not that i didn't actually love the huge green salad i ate for lunch.... i really did. i am just hungry for "other" things. it is day two of a twenty one day detox/cleanse/purification (pick your awesome sounding adjective) program! i know- insert collective groan!
why are we detoxing you ask?? because we have been eating like crap and the world is a dirty dirty chemical laden place. anyway, i know there are haters out there making fun of us but whatever, i have wanted to do this for a very long time, but had a child attached to an umbilical cord OR a boob since July of 2009 so......

to celebrate getting my body back to myself, i am going ahead and pissing it off a little bit.
and it. is. MAD!
my stomach is growling at me like a bad intruder and my headache is telling me she that is not in the mood so i should take my frisky business elsewhere. i just took a lovely little nap with N (thank you summer vacation) and i literally DREAMED of a demon fountain coke. sad.

but see- that is precisely why i need to do this, because i don't have room in this body for coke and yucky stuff. i have not been feeling well- sluggish and achy and so "standard process" you better help fix me! big shoes to fill for a little box of supplements and a great big box full of powdered vitamin nastiness- at least it gets mixed with fruit.

the eating part is actually not too bad. since it is summer, so much is available. I think it is mostly in my head- I know i can't have certain things so I totally want them. You know, very exotic things like a piece of chicken or some Parmesan cheese..... but these shakes can bite me.

anyway, the blogging could be a positive thing to help keep me accountable, as if my husband dramatically falling face-first on the couch with an "I'm so hungry" whined into the pillows is not enough. i would feel such guilt that a bite of cottage cheese is simply not worth it! i will keep you posted, but for now i am off to blend up my second (protein and supplements trying to hide in some fruit) shake of the day. Maybe I can close my eyes and pretend it's ice cream- i have always had a good imagination!

Steppin' Out Saturday (two weeks ago cause this Saturday was lame)

It's true, we look a little tired but we are still rockstars....

so a few posts ago i mentioned the awesomeness that was last weekend- as in LAST weekend. these last two days of crazy kids and housework did not so much measure up to seeing some of my girls and pretending to be in college again. the most exciting thing about this weekend was grocery shopping or maybe watching my 4 year old spazz out on orange juice.
just a shout out to "uncle matt"- your organic, not-from-concentrate, flash-pasteurized, pulp-free orange juice contains crack so you should probably list that in the ingredients..... it was weird.

anyway- LAST weekend was an alumni function at good ole Quincy University. for those of you who aren't familiar, it is the site of many many memories and growing up and if it were on the beach, would pretty much be the pinnacle of all places cool. we were unable to make the entire weekend, which is a shame because early saturday was a large gladiator-style beerfest, circa 2000ish, called hawk wild field day.
watching drunken, aging alumni run obstacle courses and joust previously "cool" coeds is tops in my book! BUT, as I said, we didn't make it for that.
what we did make it for was a good night out with people that i see much too infrequently because of jobs and family and stupid distance! we ate yummy food and drank yummy drinks and laughed a hell of a lot. i stayed up way past my bedtime and even managed to stay un-pregnant!
(note: the LAST hawk-wild saw me AND another friend preggo- good good times).

Said friend- also un-pregnant ;)

as it was an actual night out, i wore a dress!
i have been wanting to link up to Harper's Happenings for quite awhile. it is a really fun blog written by a very funny lady and she hosts 'Steppin Out Saturday' each week. So here I go sharing my crazy expensive fashion tendencies (joke). This dress is pure genius- it was less than twenty dollars and has a built-in belt. Plus it will be perfect for fall hiked up over some jeans with a different belt and a cardigan.
dress-love :)

Disregard the very artistic background

And disregard my random bag holding- it was kinda late so I guess I forgot how to pose for a picture

THANKS QUINCY UNIVERSITY ALUMNI ASSOCIATION!